Capture Your Grief Day 10 and 11

I missed yesterday, because if I am being honest, yesterday was a hard day.  There wasn't really anything in particular that caused it to be hard.  Maybe it was just hard to be "on" after being "on" all week to get through the week.  Maybe it was the gloomy weather bringing out the sadness I felt. Or maybe, and most likely, it was just grief being its unpredictable self.  It hits when we least expect it and demands to be heard.  When that happens, I know I need to just focus on self care, and so one of the many things that went un-done, was yesterday's Capture Your Grief subject

So today I will do both yesterday's subject and today's.

Capture Your Grief Day 10 - Words

Losing a child is something that is so hard to put into words. You may have heard the saying  "A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan, but there is no word for a parent who loses a child."

That is because it is not the natural order of things.  Parents are supposed to outlive children.  Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyous time, the journey of excitement and hope that is  meant to be a new beginning; the addition of new, perfect little life to a family.

But what happens when it doesn't end up that way?  No perfect, adorable cooing newborn baby.  No lifetime ahead of 1st steps, 1st words, 1st day of school.  

All joy, all hope is crushed, ripped away in an unfair unfathomable loss.  It leaves the parents behind, lost, trying to pick up the pieces.  Trying to live on in a world that doesn't make sense anymore.  

And despite it all, the rest of the world keeps spinning.  Not that I expect it to stop.  But the rest of the world  still sees all the joy and hope and "guarantees" in pregnancy and expected new life.  And I don't blame them, I was like that once too, and I wish I still was like that. I wish I could un-learn what I know about pregnancy loss, but then again, I don't wish I could un-learn it because that would mean we would have never known Elisa, and even despite the pain of losing her, I would go through all the heartache again, if it meant I could have one more moment with her.

I guess where I am getting at here, is that no amount of words on a page can explain the complexity of child loss.  But for my own grief journey, I try to explain it.  As sad and depressing my honesty might be, I feel an obligation to myself, to my children and to the loss community to "be real" and try to show my true self, even on my bad days.

So if I could pick one quote today, for how it feels to be a loss parent, it is the one below from Dr. Joanne Cacciatore of the MISS Foundation:  "When your child dies, everything hurts, every part of your mind, your body, your heart, and your soul - every cell in your body aches, from the tips of your hair to the tips of your toes.  It's as if every tiny molecule within you is screaming in protest "No, no, no this cant be true"

Capture Your Grief Day 11 - Glow in the Woods

Today's subject is about the resources we found that have helped us along the road of bereavement.  There are two in particular that helped me immensely, and I would like to both highlight, and thank them here.

First is "All That Love Can Do" it is a blog, and a support community on facebook of women who have chosen to carry to term despite being given a poor or fatal diagnosis for their baby.  After Elisa was diagnosed with IUGR in November of last year, I found this group.  It was a fellow blogging loss mom who recommended it to me, and I am forever grateful.  The blog posts on the main blog helped me on so many levels,  To navigate the complicated and emotional road that is carrying your child knowing the time you have with them in utero may be the only time you have with them while they are alive.  The sacred dance between love and grief.

The blog and facebook group helped me to not feel alone, and they still do to this day, as I now navigate life after loss.  The women in this group are some of the strongest people I know and so full of love.

The second organization that I would like to highlight is Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Our Photographer from NILMDTS, Amber,  took the photos that have become some of our most treasured items.  She was so kind and gentle with us.  Not only did she take our photos with Elisa at the hospital when she was born, but just a few weeks before Elisa passed away Amber was able to take maternity photos for us.

Most photographers wouldn't take pictures that early in a pregnancy, since my belly didn't show nearly as much as it would have at a standard, later term session.  But we are forever grateful to have those maternity pictures.  Pictures we can look at, see Mark and I and know that Elisa was still there kicking up a storm, alive and well in my belly.

Those pictures, coupled with the pictures she took on Elisa's birthday are by far our most treasured items, and we are forever grateful for Amber, and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep for providing us with these precious photos.