Friday 30 January 2015

Not a Crib but a Casket

I know they always say having a funeral and burial is helpful in the grieving process, but I didn't realize it would be this helpful.

Almost every day this week I couldn't pull myself out of bed. Tuesday because it was the day we had to drop her casket (or as we have been calling it, her "bed") off at the funeral home, and Wednesday because it was her funeral.  I just kept getting a pit in my stomach, and a little voice in the back of my head kept saying "maybe if I don't go, it won't happen...maybe if I don't go, none of this actually happened"  But eventually I did get out of bed, and although the days were hard, preparing her "bed", going to her funeral and to her burial, they really did help in my healing.

Tuesday I completed her "bed". My uncle made the actual casket, it was beautiful and it was so wonderful to know so much love went in to making it. The first half of the day  I felt like I didn't have anything personal to give my baby girl.  We had a lot of things planned to go in her casket but nothing hand made/personal. I had planned on making her a hat, but ran out of time while she was still alive, and honestly I did not have the strength to do it in the last week.

So, Tuesday morning laying in bed I finally decided what I wanted to do for her.  I decorated the inside lid of her "bed".  It included a picture of Mark and I holding her at the hospital, her name and birth date and a painted whale and message of love for our "Baby Beluga".


Once that was done, I felt a lot better, like I had made something special for my daughter.  It gave me the energy to put the rest of the things together to go in her bed, and get it ready to go to the funeral home.

In her bed we included: A little mattress and pillow that my aunt made, including the whale baby beluga theme. We also included rosary from my mom, one of  Mark's father's handkerchiefs, an itty bitty teddy bear, and small pink whale stuffed animal.  We also provided the funeral home a dress and hat to dress her in and a blanket to wrap her in.  No socks, since I am notorious for NEVER wearing socks :).  Her dress and blanket are duplicates of what she wore at the hospital, but I kept the ones she wore then.


In this way I am grateful for the fact that we had some time to prepare for the fact that she might be leaving us early.  Having her diagnosis in November, we kept hope and faith that she could hang on, but it also gave us time to prepare for the worst.

I decided to get two of everything we bought for her for the hospital (blanket, dress, hat etc.) just in case , so I could have an identical set with me (and if she made it, it wasn't like it would be a bad thing to have two of the same blankets!).  Being a planner, it helped to have something to prepare before her birth, but I didn't realize how truly helpful this would be until I started to put her "bed" together. And, now, after she has been laid to rest, I cherish that everything she has with her, I also have here with me.

I would highly encourage any other parents in this position to do the same.  As hard as it was to think about I am so glad I have a blanket to cuddle with that is exactly the same as the one keeping my baby girl warm right now.

Tuesday 20 January 2015

Elisa Josephine

Elisa Josephine Vega was born sleeping this morning, Tuesday, January 20th at 11:05am. She was 9.7 oz and 9 inches long. She had Mark's nose and my lips, she was beautiful.

We spent the whole afternoon and evening holding her and letting her know how much we love her. We just got home from the hospital and are taking in the whole day.

Monday 19 January 2015

One More Angel In Heaven

Today is the day we have been dreading for weeks. At the doctor's office today Baby Vega no longer had a heart beat. We felt her move a little bit yesterday, so we think she left us within the last 24 hours. We had a wonderful 28 weeks with her and we are so grateful for the time we had, but we are so so sad she is gone.

The next few days are going to be very hard. We are being admitted to the hospital tonight to be induced, but they don't know how long it will be until she is born

Saturday 17 January 2015

When Are You Due?

When are you due?

It should be a simple question, but what I have realized recently is it is anything but. 

It goes hand in hand with the other unknowingly complicated question, "is this your first?".  Both are questions I have asked nonchalantly to people before.  But now I know first hand the answers to these questions can be anything but simple. They are both questions that most people ask because they want to show they care, that they are interested.  So in no way do I ever blame anyone for asking, it just amazes me how those words now stop me in my tracks.

When are you due?

Four simple words leave my mind racing.  I am filled with so many emotions.  Happiness, and joy that someone is acknowledging my pregnancy, and the beautiful baby I am carrying.  Sadness and anger that I know she will likely not reach her due date, that we have been robbed of the blissful ignorance so many people have, and finally, fear and confusion on how I should answer.

Do I pretend everything is OK and just answer like anyone else would? Some days I do.  Either because I am just too exhausted to explain the situation, or sometimes I just want to enjoy the excitement. To somehow pretend just for a minute that everything is OK.  Sometimes those conversations leave me feeling better, like I have highlighted my baby girl and showed that I honor her life, and sometimes I am left feeling more alone in my situation.

Or there is the other option.  Do read the person, and tell them the true story? Burst their bubble with "she is due in April, but she isn't expected to make it to term".  Sometimes I do this, and I somehow feel bad for them, like they have unknowingly walked into what they saw as a field of roses, but is actually a field of landmines.  Or worse, I feel that by saying it out loud that I am giving up hope, that I don't believe in my baby girl. But most times I tell them anyway, I say "screw it!" I am done pretending for other peoples comfort, and if I want to tell the truth I tell the truth.

Throughout this journey, losing Luca, and then now with this high risk pregnancy, I have learned a couple of things.

First and foremost, is I need to do what I need to do for myself.  Protect my heart.  If that means pretending everything is OK in a conversation, I do it, if that means spilling my soul to a complete stranger, I do it. But I also have to gauge that other person, so I don't open myself up to hurtful words.

Second, is the majority of the time people don't really realize the actual situation.  Sometimes in sharing my story I end up connecting with someone who has been through a similar situation, and I am so glad we are able to open up together.  However, most other times, people just don't really get it.  They do their best to say something supportive. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.  And yes, it might make them sad, or think about things differently, but in reality, the next day or a few days later, they are back to their normal life, and don't think much about my situation.  Again, I don't blame them, these are my baby girls and I think about them every movement of every day, those people have their own lives that they are thinking about.

So I don't need to worry about what other's think. Yes, I need to protect myself in who I tell, just to avoid hurtful comments, but if I feel like talking about it, I have the right to talk about it.  It is my life story, and my baby girl.

I read somewhere a great example of this from another baby loss mom.  She said, the story of her pregnancy with her son, and his birth, is the only story she has about him.  Other moms get years of stories to re-tell about their children.  Their first words, their first steps, their baseball games or the time they had a solo in the school concert.  My Journey in pregnancy with my babies may be the only time I have with them but I am a mother, and I am proud of my babies, and honored to be their mom. So, I will tell their stories.  For myself, to honor them, and to break the silence on pregnancy and infant loss.

Tuesday 13 January 2015

"Absolutley"

The last week or so I have started to try and navigate the confusing world that is time off in preparation for a pregnancy that is anything but standard.  I received the FMLA paperwork from my company, and had no idea where to start (seems fitting that I could just drop the A, call it FML paperwork?)

Expected departure date...I have no idea...that could be next week or it could be a month from now. Due date, April 14th, but we know we things will happen way earlier.

It was during the process of emailing with our HR department that I was completely blindsided by my grief again.  In addition to the logistics of maternity leave if baby girl miraculously makes it, and needs time in the NICU, I also wanted to prepare for the worst, if she doesn't make it. I had done a lot of research and unfortunately found that bereavement leave in the case of stillbirth is a debatable issue in some companies.  In some companies and states, since the baby is not actually born alive, they don't consider it a family member death, and thus you don't get bereavement leave (I am not trying to worry anyone out there who is in the same situation I am, my recommendation with you is just to check before hand, as hard as it is, to make sure you know what is covered and what isn't).

So anyway, I emailed and asked the dreaded question, "if she doesn't make it, does that allow me to be eligible for bereavement leave as well?"  While writing this, I was very much in my "Maria the planner mode" saying I need to figure out the logistics, so at least that is one less thing to worry about.

Almost immediately, I received an email response from the HR department saying "absolutely!" I don't know what it was, perhaps I was partially expecting them to say no, or if they did say yes, it would be some corporate canned response.  But reading those words "absolutely!" just made me break down in tears.  I cried more than I have in days.  It was just another small reminder of the reality that we are facing, that there is a very good chance I may need bereavement leave because my child, my baby girl might die.

While I was crying, baby girl started to move around again. And so, I took a deep breath, and told myself to pull it together.  That I needed to stay calm for her.  I told her I loved her, and I was so proud of her for fighting as long as she has.  This little girl is teaching me so much and I am so proud to be her mommy.

Sunday 4 January 2015

Showing Baby Beluga the World

This is the start of this blog, jumping off from our Caring Bridge Page. 

After our appointment last Monday, when we received the update on Baby Girl's diagnosis, we realized things might not turn out the way we wanted. We still hope and pray everyday for a miracle, that she can make it to a point where she could be delivered and be with us here on earth, but we are also slowly trying to take in the fact that that might not happen.

After getting through another few days of shock that things weren't getting better, Mark and I decided if the only time we have with her might be while I am still pregnant with her, we want to make the best of that time and show her how much we love her. Still being on bed rest, (we are still doing anything in our power to give her the best shot we can) makes grandiose gestures or big outings difficult, but we knew one place we wanted to take her; The Olympic Peninsula.

This is where my grandparents grew up, and where we took family vacations when I was growing up. It is beautiful out on the Peninsula, evergreen trees, forests, and (cold) northwest beaches. Throughout our relationship Mark embraced how important it was to me, and it is where he proposed nearly 6 years ago (we got engaged January 10th 2009!). If we were going to start making the best of the time we have with our baby girl, what better place to start?

So yesterday morning we got up, popped in the car and headed out. It's about a two hour trip from our house and so we made it there, grabbed some lunch and then headed to the Dungeness Wildlife Refuge. This is a beautiful area, with a view of the Straight of Juan De Fuca.

First we went to one of the drive up view points, or as my family has always called them, The Cliffs of Insanity! because there is a huge drop off, with the waves below, just like in The Princess Bride (one of my all time favorite movies!).




Picture we took later looking up at the "Cliffs of Insanity" from below



We only had to walk a few steps to get a gorgeous view of the mountains and water.






We set up the tripod and took a few pictures. We wanted to document that she came here with us. It was really cold out but it was really important to me that I look pregnant in the pictures so I shed some layers and left my big puffy jacket behind the camera. With baby girl having such severe IUGR even though I am nearly 26 weeks pregnant, she is only the size of about a 21 weeker










After getting some pictures, we drove a few minutes within the Wildlife Refuge to the entrance to the Dungeness Spit. This is the longest Spit in the US; the Spit itself is 5.5 miles long, and near the end of it is a beautiful lighthouse. More family history here, as my great, great grandparents were the first keepers of the lighthouse here over 150 years ago.








There was absolutely no way we could make the trip to the lighthouse with my limited mobility but we were able to make the short walk, very slowly, from the parking lot to the beach.

When we got to the beach we headed left a bit and found the spot where Mark proposed 6 years ago. We had a beautiful view of the water right in front of us and the snow capped Olympic Mountains behind the water. It was nearly 4pm by the time we got to the beach so we started to see the beginnings of the sunset. It felt so good to be out in the fresh air

We set up the tripod again and took some more pictures. This one below is by far my favorite. Taken at the exact spot where Mark proposed 6 years ago.





It is amazing to think how different we are now than we were 6 years ago at this same place; we had no idea then what life had in store for us. How in these last 6 years since engagement and 4.5 since we got married we would truly live the words "in sickness and in health", "in good times and bad". Since the joyous time 6 years ago when Mark asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, his father was diagnosed and rapidly declined from cancer. We endured the passing and funeral of his father. We held each other in the dismal times of infertility and wondering if we would ever have a family. We rejoiced when we found we were pregnant in May of 2013 and endured what has thus far been the hardest time in our life when we lost our baby Luca from Misscarriage. We continued to gain strength in our relationship as we once again struggled to get pregnant and were over joyed and scared to find we were pregnant again in August of this year. Just when we thought we couldn't endure more, and were hoping it would be our break, we some how found our relationship could be stronger as this pregnancy became high risk. And now as we face the real possibility that our Baby Girl could be born sleeping and we will once again have an angle baby rather than bringing one home, I am so very grateful for Mark walking through this by my side