Day 20: Gratitude| Capture Your Grief 2016

Throughout this whole experience of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility, what I am most grateful for is support.  Mark's support, family's support and support of friends.  I feel so lucky to have a support system around me that not only allows me to grieve in the way I need to but supports me in that.

I cannot tell you how many women I have met who have had people write mean, insensitive things to them on facebook after the loss of their child.  Some women have even told me of their family photos (like what is currently my profile picture, of Mark and I holding Elisa) being reporting as inappropriate on facebook and having it banned.  I really can't put into words how grateful I am for the support we have received. Every note, every "I am thinking of you" every article you send really does mean the world to me.

THANK YOU

Day 15: Wave of Light | Capture Your Grief 2016

15. WAVE OF LIGHT

October 15th Wave of Light for Luca, Elisa and all babies lost

Day 11: Creative Heartwork | Capture Your Grief 2016

11. CREATIVE HEARTWORK 

Shortly after Elisa died, I made this shadow box of her things from the hospital.  It is now displayed in our front room along with the rest of our family pictures.

Day 10: Symbols & Signs | Capture Your Grief 2016

10. SYMBOLS + SIGNS



Luca Star and Elisa, our little baby beluga <3

See here for more whale sightings http://adventureswithbabybeluga.blogspot.com/p/whale-sitings.html

Day 8: Beautiful Mysteries | Capture Your Grief 2016

Both of my girls are mysteries to me. I got to know Elisa's personality more than Luca's because she was with us longer. I know Elisa as a spunky, "fighter" or she would not have made it as long as she did. Luca however, I don't know much about her at all.

I wonder every day what my girls would be doing if they were alive. How my life would be different with them here. How our house would be full of laughter, screams and crying and running and chaos.

How different would my life be if I had a 3 year old and a One and a half year old....

Day 7: Myths | Capture Your Grief 2016

Myth - grief is linear and you work through each step chronologically

Truth - grief is a mess, there is no correct path, and you don't work your way through it step by step.  One day you may be "far ahead" on the grief path and the next day you may be flung to where you were 6 months ago.  Grief is a journey, grief takes work, grief is unique AND grief is not bad, it is the price of love, and I would never give up my love for my children, even if it meant I didn't have grief

Day 6: Empathy | Capture Your Grief 2016

This is by far the best summary of Empathy I have ever come across

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Day 4: Support Circles | Capture Your Grief

Capture Your Grief Day 4 - Support Circles.


For today's post, I send you to my Resources List. This is a compilation of all the websites, books, and support groups that I have found helping on my journey through miscarriage, carrying to term despite a fatal diagnosis and stillbirth.

Day 3: What it Felt Like | Capture Your Grief 2016

This one is a little too hard for me to write about right now, I just don't feel I have the emotional capacity. So I am going to take a little different approach.  I find so many people don't quite understand what stillbirth is, they assume it is the same as a miscarriage (please don't get me wrong, having had a miscarriage, I know they are incredibly hard, emotionally and physically) but they are different. Stillbirth includes labor at a hospital, and all of the things that come along with a full term birth of a healthy take home baby, it's just that instead of taking home a beautiful baby, you are left empty handed and with such much grief.

So here is what stillbirth felt like:

There should be no possible way that you could feel this much emotional pain, when they tell you your baby's heart has stopped.

That there shouldn't be a world where a parent's heart continues to beat after their child's has stopped

A nightmare walking into the labor and delivery department, where everyone is brimming with joy, excited to meet their new addition, when you already know yours is gone

Agony and guilt when you are in anipartum being induced, and you hear the heartbeat monitor of baby of the woman on bedrest in the room next door. Guilt that you just want the noise to stop, knowing full well it is not that woman's fault your baby has died. But agony hearing the sound of a living child's heartbeat amplified, seeming to rub in the fact that you will never hear that sound again from your own beautiful child.

Intense pain as contractions start

Confusion as you go thorough your mind all of the steps you learned in labor and delivery class, but that you never in a million years saw you needed these classes for this

Emptiness and anger as the high risk doctors treat you as a medical experiment, seeming to act differently toward you because they don't have a living child to worry about

Nausea as contractions become Stronger and closer together

Panic as you realize they are now 30 seconds a part, and that this is going to happen soon

Sadness, joy, pride, nearly every emotion possible when your daughter is finally born.

Silence, so much silence when you hear no cry, not that you were expecting it, but it becomes even more real with the silence

Bitterness with the Doctor cuts the cord when you specifically said you wanted your husband to do it, just as if your child had been living

So much joy and so much sadness as you hold your precious daughter, but knowing she is already gone.

Awe and pride at her perfect little body, 10 toes, 10 fingers, her daddy's nose.  

Love, so much love for your beautiful daughter

Like time stands still as you hold her, but like it is simultaneously going too fast knowing this is the only time you have with her

Utter despair as you walk out of the hospital room knowing you will never see or hold your baby girl ever again.  That you walk out of the hospital with no baby to take home

Excruciating pain as your milk comes in, and you become engorged because there is no baby to feed, no way of relief

More anger and despair that your body does not seem to know what has consumed your heart and mind, that your baby is dead.  But the body mocks you by producing more milk for a baby that will never be here.

Shock, disbelief and sorrow as you plan and attend the funeral for your baby girl

Desperation that this must be a horrible nightmare, when you bury your baby 6 feet underground in the cemetery

A haze as you attempt to continue living when your child has died

Day 2: Who They Are | Capture Your Grief 2016

2. WHO THEY ARE | Share about your beautiful children today. Who are they? When were they born? How long did you have them for? What is their name? 

-----

Elisa Josephine, stillborn at 7 months January 2015. She was our "little baby beluga". She had her daddy's nose, ten perfect little toes and ten precious fingers and such a fighting spirit. I could not imagine the grief and pain that came with losing her. She was our hope, our rainbow baby after losing Luca, but she couldn't stay. The little time we had with her at the hospital are some of the hardest but most treasured moments of my life. 

Luca Adriana, miscarried august 2013, she was more of a mystery, here with us for 12 short weeks but forever in our hearts. We don't really know if she was a he or a she because we lost her before we knew, but Mark and I both had a strong feeling she was a girl. We named her Luca Adriana because Luca means light, and Adriana means darkness. So much light and love in the time we had her and so much sadness and darkness in losing her.

 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2016

Day 1: Sunrise | Capture Your Grief 2016

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

Starting off the first day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with a beautiful sunrise. My first thought every morning and last thought every day are my children who are not here. But I try my best to live each day in their honor ❤