Today marks the beginning of a long string of "significant dates"
A year ago today I woke up early in the morning, groggy, with my eyes still blurry with sleep and made my way to the bathroom grabbing a first response pregnancy test on my way. I was up earlier than usual because straight from work we were leaving for our family's annual trip to the ocean, so I had to finish up the rest of our packing and load the car.
As I walked to the bathroom I was mentally preparing myself for yet another negative test. After all we had been trying for nearly a year after loosing Luca, without luck, and just one month earlier I had a hysteroscopy to remove polyps. With surgery so recent it was unlikely we would be pregnant.
I walked into the bathroom, got the stick out of the packaging. With so many tests over the last year of trying, and another year prior to that with Luca, I could practically do it in my sleep, which was good because I was tired.
After the test I put the stick on the sink and set the timer. There was no way I was just going to pace in the bathroom waiting....so I went and started to finish up the packing.
A few minutes later, my phone timer went off, and I walked back in to the bathroom, preparing for the disappointment of one lonely line.
But it wasn't to my astonishment two TWO lines. I ran in to the bedroom with the test, and jostled Mark from his peaceful sleep. IT'S POSITIVE!!! I said, and I could see it in his eyes, as he came to...both from the sleepy haze, and from the haze of doubt, after so much heartache and loss, we were actually pregnant. I crawled back in to bed, and we both just started crying. We couldn't believe it....
We started talking and were in awe of the timing. Just a little over a month ago I was distraught about finding the polyps, scared for surgery, and wondering if we would ever have a baby.
There were so many things that just seemed to make this day point to the fact that things would be turning around:
This day one year ago was Mark's last day at his old company and he was about to start his new job at the same company as me, so we would be able to commute together!
July 31st 2014 meant a due date of early April, our baby would be born just days after Easter, and our 10 year dating anniversary
July 31st, the Feast of St. Ignatius, the patron saint of the chapel where we met, and where we were married
It just seemed like everything was lining up, and that finally we would get our rainbow baby.
Little did we know that just a week later I would start bleeding, and be put on bedrest and we would go through a very difficult pregnancy. We would be told at 20 weeks that our beautiful baby girl would have a less than 10% chance of survival. We would be advised to terminate, and we would oppose, knowing we wanted every second of time with our baby girl, even if that was limited to time in utero. That our little fighter, Elisa, our little baby beluga, would be with us for nearly 7 months, but we wouldn't get to take her home.
Today is just the beginning of these significant dates. I know exactly how far along I was at this point in time during both of my pregnancies. We have positive test dates, first ultrasound dates, diagnosis day and birthdays. A week from Monday will be Luca's "second birthday"
So today I sit typing from the same town we visit each year. Knowing when we were here last year I was pregnant with Elisa, and when we were here the year before I was pregnant with Luca but neither of them are phsyically here with us, and I am still here missing them every day
Friday 31 July 2015
Tuesday 28 July 2015
Through the Ringer
Wow, these last few weeks have really put us through the ringer.
We got back home being with Mark's family late last Tuesday. The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's. It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.
We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother Serge, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos. Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mark loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.
To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.
I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.
First off, Serge's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday. Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever. I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much. I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.
Second, we've started trying again, and a test yesterday confrimed we are not pregnant.. Although we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date. I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen? will we ever have a take home baby?"
We got back home being with Mark's family late last Tuesday. The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's. It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.
We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother Serge, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos. Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mark loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.
To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.
I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.
First off, Serge's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday. Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever. I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much. I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.
Second, we've started trying again, and a test yesterday confrimed we are not pregnant.. Although we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date. I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen? will we ever have a take home baby?"
It just seems like all of this is so much. I now I only have one choice, and that is to "keep on keeping on" because the only other alternative is to give up, refuse to get out of bed (although some days that sounds really, really appealing) and abandon the journey to parenthood. And as much as I am beat up, worn down and terrified of another loss, I know I have to keep going. One day at a time.
Tuesday 21 July 2015
San Francisco
Baby beluga does San Francisco. Chowder at boudines on the pier and a ride the ducks tour of the city!
Wednesday 15 July 2015
More Loss in the Family
I don't even know where to start tonight. I really can't believe that we have experienced another loss in the family. I haven't written much about it on here, because it doesn't have to do with baby loss, but a few weeks back Mark's older brother had a stroke. He seemed to be on the mend and was recovering very well but Monday he had a second stroke and rapidly declined. He passed away Monday evening at only 41 years old
So now we have flown to be with Mark's family and are facing another devastating loss.
My heart is just broken. Broken for my own pain, broken for Mark's pain and broken for his mother's pain.
On this upcoming Monday, three days after our 5th wedding anniversary and exactly 6 months after Mark and I held our daughter for the first and last time, we will be burring his brother.
Mark has lost so much, I feel like everyone he loves is slowly being taken from him. His father, his daughters and now his brother. When will the sorrow end?
And then there is my mother-in-law, I cannot even find the words to describe her pain. I know all too well a mother's sorrow, but I do not know the sorrow of losing a child after 41 years of life. I do not know the compounded grief she has after having lost someone from every generation around her, her own mother, her husband, two siblings, two granddaughters, and now a son. She has been so strong through all of her losses but yet again tragedy has struck.
For now we are out of town with Mark's family, and I know we will get through these next few days of funeral arrangements and logistics, but I just am so worn down from hit after hit, sorrow after sorrow and once again having to return to the real world with another new normal.
So now we have flown to be with Mark's family and are facing another devastating loss.
My heart is just broken. Broken for my own pain, broken for Mark's pain and broken for his mother's pain.
On this upcoming Monday, three days after our 5th wedding anniversary and exactly 6 months after Mark and I held our daughter for the first and last time, we will be burring his brother.
Mark has lost so much, I feel like everyone he loves is slowly being taken from him. His father, his daughters and now his brother. When will the sorrow end?
And then there is my mother-in-law, I cannot even find the words to describe her pain. I know all too well a mother's sorrow, but I do not know the sorrow of losing a child after 41 years of life. I do not know the compounded grief she has after having lost someone from every generation around her, her own mother, her husband, two siblings, two granddaughters, and now a son. She has been so strong through all of her losses but yet again tragedy has struck.
For now we are out of town with Mark's family, and I know we will get through these next few days of funeral arrangements and logistics, but I just am so worn down from hit after hit, sorrow after sorrow and once again having to return to the real world with another new normal.
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