Closing the book on 2015

As we now reach the last day of 2015, I am finding I have mixed emotions with closing this chapter.   I often thought, about how I was excited to say good riddance, and maybe even "F you" to 2015 but as we come closer to officially ending this year, I have some things I don't want to turn the page on.

2015 was by far the hardest year of my life.  It began with the last days of our journey on carrying Elisa despite knowing she likely would not live.  Those days were hard, trying to find joy and cherish the time we had, while also being overcome with worry and sadness of knowing our child would likely die.

And then there was her death.  Even though we knew one of our appointments would likely begin with an ultrasound with no heartbeat, nothing can ever prepare you for when it actually happens.  Then being told that you have a choice to go straight to the hospital and deliver your deceased child, or if you want to go home and gather your things and come back to the hospital.

We chose to go home, gather our things and some of Elisa's things and went back to the hospital. I labored through the night and into the early morning, and at 11:05am, 20 days in to 2015, our daughter was born still.

The hits of 2015 kept coming, when in July of this year, Mark's oldest brother Serge passed away.  Mark has lost so much in these last few years, his father, two daughters and then his brother.  Mark is my everything and to see him go through all of this loss is excruciating.  He is an amazing man, and has kept his core, loving, caring personality through all of this, but he shouldn't have to, he has seen enough sorrow for one life time.

2015 also knocked us down in our continued journey through infertility. We've been back on the road to trying again for 8 months now, and still no luck.  We know it takes time, but after each of our pregnancies taking us a while to get pregnant, and then each of those ending in loss, it is really hard not to wonder if it will ever happen for us.

Despite all of these hits in 2015, as we get closer to 2016 I am finding that there are certain things in 2015 I don't want to leave behind.

2015 was the last year that Elisa was alive, she lived for 19 days in 2015, but her heart will never beat in 2016

2015 was the first and only time I was able to hold Elisa in this world.  As much as January 20th, 2015 was the hardest day of my life, to go through labor knowing she was already gone, and to have to say goodbye forever that evening, that day was also the best day of my life, because Mark and I were able to hold, kiss and just be with Elisa.

This is the 4th New Years Eve where we have been waiting in hopes of building our family.  I am discouraged to think 2016 may be another year of sorrow, but I also can't help but hope....

Art and quote from Frachesca Cox

Christmas Split Between Heaven and Earth

This is now the 4th Christmas in a row where we have been longing for a child, but do not have one here with us.  Three Christmases ago we were naive, hoping for a baby and expecting that it would happen quickly. Two Christmases ago we had lost Luca earlier that year, heartbroken that she wasn't here with us, and beginning to worry that it was taking us long to get pregnant again.  Last Christmas was the only Christmas I have ever spent with my baby physically here, although not born yet. We did the best to make the best of our Christmas with Elisa, but we were worried about her.  We knew it was very likely that 2014 would be the only Christmas we would ever spend with her living, and we didn't know how much time we had left with her.

Putting up the tree and lights this year, also reminded me of where we were at last year.  Last year, at this time of year, I was on full bed rest, only allowed up for 15 minutes total a day. Mark so lovingly put up the tree and the decorations and my dad put up our Christmas lights.

This year I was happy to be able to help with the decorating, and to put up the tree with Mark, but it also reminded me of what I could not do last year, because I was fighting so hard to do anything to give Elisa a chance.

Despite the better sweetness of this, we did our best to continue our Christmas traditions, like we know our girls would want us to.

We decorated the mantel and put up the stockings.  In 2013 I made stocking for Luca, but I never hung it up, partially because it was too hard, and also because before losing Elisa, I didn't really open up about our miscarriage with Luca.  This year I also made a stocking for Elisa, and so I decided to hang all four up. Some might think it is weird, or odd, but to me, I wanted to include our girls in our holiday traditions.

We still have the whale themed flags from Elisa's gender reveal party on our mantel, so we decided to just add the holiday decor around it

We also decorated the tree.  In 2013 I bought a baby's first Christmas ornament for Luca, And this year I purchased a first Christmas Ornament for Elisa.

My brother and his wife bought us this beautiful Christmas gift of this beluga ornament.

It warms our hearts so much when people tell us about, or send us whale themed things.  As a mother, knowing that someone is remembering and thinking of my child.

And then a very good friend of ours also bought us special personalized ornaments for both Luca and Elisa.

We are doing our best to hold our traditions, make new ones, and honor the loved ones who are not here with us.    Mark's mom and brother came up from California to spend Christmas with us.  Mark's family typically has Christmas dinner on Christmas eve, so that is what we did today. And this year at our little Vega family Christmas we had Mark, Myself, Mark's brother Dave and Mark's mom, all physically here around the table, and Luca, Elisa, Mark's dad and Mark's oldest brother Sergio celebrating with us in spirit.   A family with as many of us in heaven, as we had around the table.