Mother's day this year was hard. Last year I escaped from it all. I was literally miles away, sheltered from social media and hallmark adds, on a plane in transit to Ireland. Mark and I took that trip last year as a way to get away from it all and we strategically planned to leave on Mother's day.
This year was hard. As much as I would like to be able to be on a plane to Europe, it is not feasible, both emotionally, and financially to hop on a plane every time I want to avoid a date....although that would be nice :)
So this year I was forced to face the day head on. There were parts that were wonderful and parts that were downright hard.
A few weeks before Mothers's day one of my baby loss friends and I had tried to decide what we wanted to do to get through the day. She was wonderful and invited Mark and me over to brunch with her and her husband. We could be together, with no need to pretend to be happy, but also, neither of us had to just hide at home alone. Misery loves company, right? And we thought it was nice to give our husbands a break. They have been so supportive of us, it would be nice for the boys to talk, and for us girls to cry and talk through all of the motions of the day together.
It was nice to have something planned, but also know that if either of us didn't feel up to it last minute, we could cancel on each other and there would be no hard feelings, only love and support. It was a wonderful way to spend the day.
The hard part, however, was waking up on Monther's day, remembering the past Mothers days, and the number of years I have been saying "next year must be better"
Four years ago, we were a few months into our journey of trying to grow our family. I thought I was certain to have a child (and of course it would be a living child) by the next mother's day. After all, it seemed that is how it worked right? You tried, and you got pregnant and you had baby. I expected to have a child BORN by the ext year, not that I would "just be pregnant" and I certainly didn' think that pregnancy could end.
Three years ago we gave Mark's mom a mother's day card telling her she was the best grandma, as we announced to her we were pregnant with Luca....3 months later, Luca was gone
Two years ago, I woke up early. We had been trying for nearly a year after losing Luca, and I though, maybe it would be a turning point, a sign, that maybe I could find out I was pregnant on Mother's day...but nope, another negative test. Now I avoid testing on important days like that, knowing full well I am likely to be disappointed.
One year ago, I was newly bereaved again. Elisa had died just three and a half months earlier. I was still living in in the haze of new grief, and trying to navigate in a world without two of my children. But, in some way, I still had the hope that by the next year I would at least be pregnant again.
But here I sit, on my 5th Mother's day since trying to grow our family, still with empty arms and an empty womb. My life is filled with doctor's appointments and unanswered questions as I navigate this world of "unexplained infertility and loss"
Despite the sadness of this year, and feeling like I just keep getting hit down over and over again, I am so grateful for the support I have received.
The text messages, facebook messages and emails acknowledging me as a mother, and thus also acknowledging my children, filled me with joy. I found some people were not sure what to say to me, that they were worried about reminding me or offending me. Although today was not necessarily a "Happy" Mother's day, being wished that by anyone actually helped me (I know other loss moms feel differently, and if you know other loss moms, maybe ask them how they want to be aknolwgeded). And those who acknowledged the complexity of this holiday brought me even more gratefulness and joy.
I am incredibly lucky that I have the support from friends and family that acknowledge me as a mother, And to all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart
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