After Elisa was diagnosed I balanced between wishful thinking and fear, between hope and utter despair.
One of the things that kept coming through my mind during all of the hard times was how I did not know how I could keep going without the loving support of those around me. I was lucky to have the support of family, a warm home to come home to, health insurance and a job where I could work from home to continue working while on bedrest.
Shortly after Elisa was diagnosed, I read a blog post of a woman in a similar situation as I was in, in that halfway through her pregnancy, the doctors told her the baby would likely not make it.
The difference was, at the first hint of trouble, her partner left her. She could no longer work due being on bed rest. She didn't have any other family support. Things crumbled around her and when she left the hospital after her daughter was stillborn, she spent the night alone, sleeping in her car, because she didn't have anyone or anywhere to go.
I was heartbroken for her. I remembered the paralysis and helplessness I felt after Elisa's diagnosis. Thinking I didn't know how I could go on without her. It was the love and support of friends and family that kept my hope up, to move forward every day. And then after she passed away, the only reason I ate was from Mark or other family members cooking for me. I was able to get out of bed by the encouragement of others. I could not imagine how sad and alone that woman must have felt.
To many people, the homeless are seen as people who must have done something wrong in their lives, got in to drugs, committed crimes, and that is why they lost their jobs and their homes. That they somehow deserved the life the now had and that something like that could never happen to us. But as I read that woman's blog, in the depths of my own grief, I realized how that could have been me on the streets too, had circumstances been different.
Had I not been lucky enough to find a man who stuck by my side as we faced the oncoming storm, I would have had to endure the loss of a baby and of a partner. Had I not had a job that allowed me to work while on bed rest, I would have had no income beginning November of last year. Or a job that paid me and guaranteed me a job back while I was on "maternity leave" I would have had no way of being able to pay for my medical bills, light bills, rent. Had I not had the support of family and friends, helping me to get back on my feet I could have lost everything.
I know that is a pretty extreme scenario coming from where I am, but it did make me think, how different my life would be, how my loss experience would have been had I not had the immense network of support I have today. I made a vow after reading that woman's story that I would not judge what brought someone to the situation they were in.
At that point in time, the only opportunity I had to get out of the house was our weekly or twice weekly appointments to our OB and to our High Risk Doctor's office. Both of which were on first hill in downtown. On the James street exit, we often saw homeless people asking for money or food.
It was November, it was cold and rainy.
So Mark and I decided we wanted to give back how we could. We went out and bought a bunch of fleece blankets, and safeway grocery cards.
Every appointment we went to from then on, we handed out a blanket and a safeway card to each homeless person we saw.
I now keep safeway cards with me, and blankets in the back of the car all the time, so that we can reach out and give back in honor of Elisa our little fighter With each card and blanket we give out, I wonder what sorrows each person has been through to end up where they are now any my heart aches for them.
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