When Elisa was first diagnosed, I searched the internet to find books, support groups and blogs that might help me navigate this hell of knowing we would likely lose another child. One thing I constantly ran in to was the concept of "new normal" . Once you have experienced a loss like this, you are never the same.
Yes I am still Maria, but I am a different Maria.
I am am the Maria who can no longer say "it won't happen to me" or that "things always work out"
This experience has changed me in so many ways, down to the core.
In some ways I have changed for the better, I am kinder, I am more patient, I try to see the struggle and the battles every other human on this earth is fighting, to not judge because I don't know what they have been through.
I do my best to enjoy every day I have with Mark, with my mom, with loved ones, because I know all too truly how quickly things can change and all can be lost.
I am strong because I know I have already been through one of the hardest things in life. I am continuing to live after my child has died.
In other ways though, I have lost joy, some of the glimmer and nearly all of my innocence in life.
Things that were once important to me, no longer are.
I worry, even more than I did before.
The little voice in my head that says "what if Mark gets in a car accident on the way home?" is harder to silence. Before, I could say, "that is silly, that is very unlikely to happen". But a death of a child is also unlikely and it has happened to me, so what is to say something else bad can't happen?
My faith has been crushed, My faith used to be a core strong part of who I am, we went to church every week, we met in church choir of all places....but I don't have that faith anymore, I can't have that faith. I am not saying I am giving up on my faith all together, I am working at it. But with so many of the platitudes I have heard, coming form people who are from a religious view, like "God has a plan for this" "it was God's will" "everything happens for a reason" I just can't take those anymore. I do not believe in a God who would will this to happen.
My self portrait is so very different than what I expected it to be by now. By the time I was almost 30 (one month away!) I though I would have at least one child, and one more on the way, if not two. I do, but they aren't here, I am invisible as a mother by most people. Couple our losses with our infertility and here we sit, 3 1/2 years after trying to start a family, with no living children, and the fear that we may never have them. Trying to keep hope, but finding it harder and harder with each month that passes.
Slowly over time, I am finding my new normal. Coming to terms with my new, very different life. Trying to wrangle in my thoughts of worry. Getting up each day, trying to live for my children who never had a chance to live. But the reality of the situation is that I will never be the same person I was before all of this happened.
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