The Capture Your Grief Project was a new thing for me this year. It was challenging, but it was fruitful.
I have tried to be very intentional throughout my grieving process, to use my grieving as a way to move toward healing, and as a way to sit with and learn who this new person is. Who I am now after our miscarriage. Who I am now after carrying our second daughter, what was supposed to be our "rainbow pregnancy" knowing she would likely not live. Who I am now knowing nothing is guaranteed.
This project helped me be even more intentional than I thought I could be. It focused my writing on topics, some of which I have been wanting to write about, like my gratitude and intentions with sharing our stories, and others that stretched me in to writing things I wanted to talk about, but didn't know how, like secondary grief.
This project also gave me the opportunity to share my blog, something I have been wanting to do for a while now, but I was scared. Scared of what people might think, how they might judge me. Self conscience about my sometimes inventive spelling, that spell check doesn't even catch :) and my less-than-perfect grammar. Uncomfortable with the thought that some might think I am being dramatic or wallowing, when really I am just doing my best to be honest and real.
Despite my fears, I am so glad this project gave me the medium, and the courage to share my blog. In a self-giving way, in honor of my girls and in hope that I can help others who are in this life-long, unwanted club of baby loss. But also in a self-caring way, in the hopes that I can help those close to us understand what Mark and I are going through, so you can know us better and in all humbleness, so we can ask for your loving support on this journey that is our life after loss.
Showing posts with label Carrying to Term. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carrying to Term. Show all posts
Friday, 30 October 2015
Thursday, 22 October 2015
Capture Your Grief - Day 22: Dreams and Rituals
I wish I had more dreams about my babies, but at this point I haven't yet. The one dream I did have was before Elisa was born.
It was shortly after her diagnosis, and I was worried, really really worried. I would have to say that her diagnosis day is up there on the top list of the worst days of my life. Only very shortly behind the day of her death. I cannot explain in words the agony I felt in my heart being told that my precious baby had less than a 10% chance of survival, and that they suggested termination.
Those few days after diagnosis were very dark days. Holding on to a glimmer of hope that she would be OK, but knowing I was probably being a fool by hoping. I had many sleepless nights, worrying and unable to sleep due to pure sorrow.
One of those sleepless nights, when I was finally able to fall asleep, I had a vivid dream of a humming bird coming up to my bedroom window, and just hovering. (Humming birds are special to me because there are always something my family has associated with my grandparents after they passed away. When we see them we think of them sending a little "hello" to us.)
In the dream, the hummingbird just stared at me, and I felt an overwhelming sense of calm come over me. It stayed for what seemed like minutes, just "being with me". I woke up and felt more at peace than I had been since Elisa's diagnosis. In that moment I knew I wasn't being promised that Elisa would make it, I actually had a strong feeling that she wouldn't, but I felt at peace. That I knew I couldn't do anything to change that fact, and that I would just do my best to treasure and cherish every movement I did still have with her. That yes, it would hurt like hell to lose her, but that I was so grateful for her existence at all, and that I got to be her mom
It was shortly after her diagnosis, and I was worried, really really worried. I would have to say that her diagnosis day is up there on the top list of the worst days of my life. Only very shortly behind the day of her death. I cannot explain in words the agony I felt in my heart being told that my precious baby had less than a 10% chance of survival, and that they suggested termination.
Those few days after diagnosis were very dark days. Holding on to a glimmer of hope that she would be OK, but knowing I was probably being a fool by hoping. I had many sleepless nights, worrying and unable to sleep due to pure sorrow.
One of those sleepless nights, when I was finally able to fall asleep, I had a vivid dream of a humming bird coming up to my bedroom window, and just hovering. (Humming birds are special to me because there are always something my family has associated with my grandparents after they passed away. When we see them we think of them sending a little "hello" to us.)
In the dream, the hummingbird just stared at me, and I felt an overwhelming sense of calm come over me. It stayed for what seemed like minutes, just "being with me". I woke up and felt more at peace than I had been since Elisa's diagnosis. In that moment I knew I wasn't being promised that Elisa would make it, I actually had a strong feeling that she wouldn't, but I felt at peace. That I knew I couldn't do anything to change that fact, and that I would just do my best to treasure and cherish every movement I did still have with her. That yes, it would hurt like hell to lose her, but that I was so grateful for her existence at all, and that I got to be her mom
Monday, 19 October 2015
Capture Your Grief - Day 19: Music
When Elisa was diagnosed, a friend shared the below song with me, "I Will Carry You". It is beautiful and articulates so well all of our feelings with our choice to carry Elisa knowing she would not likely make it to birth. The sadness of the thought of losing her, and everything we would not get to do with her, and the love we had for her while carrying her, and will continue to have for her the rest of our lives.
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says?
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
Tuesday, 13 January 2015
"Absolutley"
The last week or so I have started to try and navigate the confusing world that is time off in preparation for a pregnancy that is anything but standard. I received the FMLA paperwork from my company, and had no idea where to start (seems fitting that I could just drop the A, call it FML paperwork?)
Expected departure date...I have no idea...that could be next week or it could be a month from now. Due date, April 14th, but we know we things will happen way earlier.
It was during the process of emailing with our HR department that I was completely blindsided by my grief again. In addition to the logistics of maternity leave if baby girl miraculously makes it, and needs time in the NICU, I also wanted to prepare for the worst, if she doesn't make it. I had done a lot of research and unfortunately found that bereavement leave in the case of stillbirth is a debatable issue in some companies. In some companies and states, since the baby is not actually born alive, they don't consider it a family member death, and thus you don't get bereavement leave (I am not trying to worry anyone out there who is in the same situation I am, my recommendation with you is just to check before hand, as hard as it is, to make sure you know what is covered and what isn't).
So anyway, I emailed and asked the dreaded question, "if she doesn't make it, does that allow me to be eligible for bereavement leave as well?" While writing this, I was very much in my "Maria the planner mode" saying I need to figure out the logistics, so at least that is one less thing to worry about.
Almost immediately, I received an email response from the HR department saying "absolutely!" I don't know what it was, perhaps I was partially expecting them to say no, or if they did say yes, it would be some corporate canned response. But reading those words "absolutely!" just made me break down in tears. I cried more than I have in days. It was just another small reminder of the reality that we are facing, that there is a very good chance I may need bereavement leave because my child, my baby girl might die.
While I was crying, baby girl started to move around again. And so, I took a deep breath, and told myself to pull it together. That I needed to stay calm for her. I told her I loved her, and I was so proud of her for fighting as long as she has. This little girl is teaching me so much and I am so proud to be her mommy.
Expected departure date...I have no idea...that could be next week or it could be a month from now. Due date, April 14th, but we know we things will happen way earlier.
It was during the process of emailing with our HR department that I was completely blindsided by my grief again. In addition to the logistics of maternity leave if baby girl miraculously makes it, and needs time in the NICU, I also wanted to prepare for the worst, if she doesn't make it. I had done a lot of research and unfortunately found that bereavement leave in the case of stillbirth is a debatable issue in some companies. In some companies and states, since the baby is not actually born alive, they don't consider it a family member death, and thus you don't get bereavement leave (I am not trying to worry anyone out there who is in the same situation I am, my recommendation with you is just to check before hand, as hard as it is, to make sure you know what is covered and what isn't).
So anyway, I emailed and asked the dreaded question, "if she doesn't make it, does that allow me to be eligible for bereavement leave as well?" While writing this, I was very much in my "Maria the planner mode" saying I need to figure out the logistics, so at least that is one less thing to worry about.
Almost immediately, I received an email response from the HR department saying "absolutely!" I don't know what it was, perhaps I was partially expecting them to say no, or if they did say yes, it would be some corporate canned response. But reading those words "absolutely!" just made me break down in tears. I cried more than I have in days. It was just another small reminder of the reality that we are facing, that there is a very good chance I may need bereavement leave because my child, my baby girl might die.
While I was crying, baby girl started to move around again. And so, I took a deep breath, and told myself to pull it together. That I needed to stay calm for her. I told her I loved her, and I was so proud of her for fighting as long as she has. This little girl is teaching me so much and I am so proud to be her mommy.
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