"Absolutley"

The last week or so I have started to try and navigate the confusing world that is time off in preparation for a pregnancy that is anything but standard.  I received the FMLA paperwork from my company, and had no idea where to start (seems fitting that I could just drop the A, call it FML paperwork?)

Expected departure date...I have no idea...that could be next week or it could be a month from now. Due date, April 14th, but we know we things will happen way earlier.

It was during the process of emailing with our HR department that I was completely blindsided by my grief again.  In addition to the logistics of maternity leave if baby girl miraculously makes it, and needs time in the NICU, I also wanted to prepare for the worst, if she doesn't make it. I had done a lot of research and unfortunately found that bereavement leave in the case of stillbirth is a debatable issue in some companies.  In some companies and states, since the baby is not actually born alive, they don't consider it a family member death, and thus you don't get bereavement leave (I am not trying to worry anyone out there who is in the same situation I am, my recommendation with you is just to check before hand, as hard as it is, to make sure you know what is covered and what isn't).

So anyway, I emailed and asked the dreaded question, "if she doesn't make it, does that allow me to be eligible for bereavement leave as well?"  While writing this, I was very much in my "Maria the planner mode" saying I need to figure out the logistics, so at least that is one less thing to worry about.

Almost immediately, I received an email response from the HR department saying "absolutely!" I don't know what it was, perhaps I was partially expecting them to say no, or if they did say yes, it would be some corporate canned response.  But reading those words "absolutely!" just made me break down in tears.  I cried more than I have in days.  It was just another small reminder of the reality that we are facing, that there is a very good chance I may need bereavement leave because my child, my baby girl might die.

While I was crying, baby girl started to move around again. And so, I took a deep breath, and told myself to pull it together.  That I needed to stay calm for her.  I told her I loved her, and I was so proud of her for fighting as long as she has.  This little girl is teaching me so much and I am so proud to be her mommy.