When Are You Due?

When are you due?

It should be a simple question, but what I have realized recently is it is anything but. 

It goes hand in hand with the other unknowingly complicated question, "is this your first?".  Both are questions I have asked nonchalantly to people before.  But now I know first hand the answers to these questions can be anything but simple. They are both questions that most people ask because they want to show they care, that they are interested.  So in no way do I ever blame anyone for asking, it just amazes me how those words now stop me in my tracks.

When are you due?

Four simple words leave my mind racing.  I am filled with so many emotions.  Happiness, and joy that someone is acknowledging my pregnancy, and the beautiful baby I am carrying.  Sadness and anger that I know she will likely not reach her due date, that we have been robbed of the blissful ignorance so many people have, and finally, fear and confusion on how I should answer.

Do I pretend everything is OK and just answer like anyone else would? Some days I do.  Either because I am just too exhausted to explain the situation, or sometimes I just want to enjoy the excitement. To somehow pretend just for a minute that everything is OK.  Sometimes those conversations leave me feeling better, like I have highlighted my baby girl and showed that I honor her life, and sometimes I am left feeling more alone in my situation.

Or there is the other option.  Do read the person, and tell them the true story? Burst their bubble with "she is due in April, but she isn't expected to make it to term".  Sometimes I do this, and I somehow feel bad for them, like they have unknowingly walked into what they saw as a field of roses, but is actually a field of landmines.  Or worse, I feel that by saying it out loud that I am giving up hope, that I don't believe in my baby girl. But most times I tell them anyway, I say "screw it!" I am done pretending for other peoples comfort, and if I want to tell the truth I tell the truth.

Throughout this journey, losing Luca, and then now with this high risk pregnancy, I have learned a couple of things.

First and foremost, is I need to do what I need to do for myself.  Protect my heart.  If that means pretending everything is OK in a conversation, I do it, if that means spilling my soul to a complete stranger, I do it. But I also have to gauge that other person, so I don't open myself up to hurtful words.

Second, is the majority of the time people don't really realize the actual situation.  Sometimes in sharing my story I end up connecting with someone who has been through a similar situation, and I am so glad we are able to open up together.  However, most other times, people just don't really get it.  They do their best to say something supportive. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.  And yes, it might make them sad, or think about things differently, but in reality, the next day or a few days later, they are back to their normal life, and don't think much about my situation.  Again, I don't blame them, these are my baby girls and I think about them every movement of every day, those people have their own lives that they are thinking about.

So I don't need to worry about what other's think. Yes, I need to protect myself in who I tell, just to avoid hurtful comments, but if I feel like talking about it, I have the right to talk about it.  It is my life story, and my baby girl.

I read somewhere a great example of this from another baby loss mom.  She said, the story of her pregnancy with her son, and his birth, is the only story she has about him.  Other moms get years of stories to re-tell about their children.  Their first words, their first steps, their baseball games or the time they had a solo in the school concert.  My Journey in pregnancy with my babies may be the only time I have with them but I am a mother, and I am proud of my babies, and honored to be their mom. So, I will tell their stories.  For myself, to honor them, and to break the silence on pregnancy and infant loss.