It was shortly after her diagnosis, and I was worried, really really worried. I would have to say that her diagnosis day is up there on the top list of the worst days of my life. Only very shortly behind the day of her death. I cannot explain in words the agony I felt in my heart being told that my precious baby had less than a 10% chance of survival, and that they suggested termination.
Those few days after diagnosis were very dark days. Holding on to a glimmer of hope that she would be OK, but knowing I was probably being a fool by hoping. I had many sleepless nights, worrying and unable to sleep due to pure sorrow.
One of those sleepless nights, when I was finally able to fall asleep, I had a vivid dream of a humming bird coming up to my bedroom window, and just hovering. (Humming birds are special to me because there are always something my family has associated with my grandparents after they passed away. When we see them we think of them sending a little "hello" to us.)
In the dream, the hummingbird just stared at me, and I felt an overwhelming sense of calm come over me. It stayed for what seemed like minutes, just "being with me". I woke up and felt more at peace than I had been since Elisa's diagnosis. In that moment I knew I wasn't being promised that Elisa would make it, I actually had a strong feeling that she wouldn't, but I felt at peace. That I knew I couldn't do anything to change that fact, and that I would just do my best to treasure and cherish every movement I did still have with her. That yes, it would hurt like hell to lose her, but that I was so grateful for her existence at all, and that I got to be her mom
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