This post is out of order, days wise, because it has been incredibly hard for me to write. It has been mulling around in my head since I first saw it on the project list in September, before I started, and it has sat in my draft folder, half written since the actual day, 10 days ago.
This is hard because there are so many secondary losses with pregnancy loss.
Loss of future, loss of milestones. I have various friends who have children that were born near each of my babies due dates. A cousin who has a daughter born just days before Luca's due date, and niece born a month and a half after Elisa's due date. They are constant reminders of what would have been, what could have been.
In some ways, having these family members with ages so close to what my girls would be is nice. I think every day about what my girls might be doing, if they would be walking yet, talking yet, and these girls show me just that. I would be thinking about it anyway, they are just the physical reminders.
On the other side though, I will admit it is hard. I see them and I wish my girls were here too playing with them, learning to roll over with them, smiling at me, with them. It just hurts that both of my children are not here, that I don't get those experiences. I will never see them walk, talk, roll over, have a first day of school, a first date, get married or even have their own children. All of those are losses.
The other type of secondary loss that has been so hard is the loss of relationships. Especially losing Elisa, has changed our relationships with people. Being on bedrest limited our social outings, and then once she died, I did not feel like being social for a very long time. We lost connections with people.
Also it was eye opening to us in the days and months after our loss, how grief changed us, and how some people were OK with the "new" us and for others it was more difficult. Some people were incredibly supportive, others maybe didn't know how to comprehend the loss themselves, or maybe didn't like to see us sad. Regardless of the reason, as a result they either saw us less, or when they did see us, suggested or insisted that it was time for our grief to be over, and for us to continue on as we were before. But the thing is, we aren't the same as we were before. We have been through one of the hardest things in life and we are not the same people we were before.
Relationships were also changed with friends and family members who had children around when Elisa was born. I grieve that our niece and Elisa will never be best friends, the way my cousin and I were growing up. I grieve the loss of the closer relationship I would have had with my sister-in-law had we both been on maternity leave together. I still catch myself daydreaming of what it would have been like had Elisa lived. Going out the four of us, or visiting each other and exchanging stories of late night feedings and blowout diapers. Watching our relationship as sisters grow, as we watched our girls grow together.
Right now my grief is still so raw, and what could have been is still too hard for me to deal with every day of what is.
I love our niece so much, I wish Elisa were here to share in that love.
I want so much for things to be different. I grieve what would have been, what should have been.
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