Capture Your Grief - Day 18: Seasons & Symbols

Symbols: Well this subject is petty east for me.  The name of the blog makes it obvious.  Anyone who knows me, and knows our story, knows Elisa was our little baby beluga.  So her symbol is a whale.  And Luca, means light, so her symbol is a star.  Hence our Adventures With Baby Beluga whale and star :)

Seasons: This one is a little tricky.  I associate multiple different seasons with my losses.

Luca, the biggest association I have with her, seasons wise, is not really a season, but a weather pattern.  The night we lost Luca was an odd night for weather, even in Seattle.  It was a warm August night, but with the largest and longest lightening storm I have ever seen.  The duality of the weather, warm, summer air, mixed with the tumultuous thunder and lightening seemed to parallel how things shouldn't be going this way, we shouldn't be losing our child.  Whenever I see lightening, and especially the rare times we get summer storms, it brings me back to that night.

Elisa - Since I was pregnant with Elisa for 7 months, she was with us through multiple seasons.  I do however get more reminders of her in fall.  In the middle of fall, November, was when we received the news that would change our world forever, when we received world from the doctors that for no known reason, our baby girl wasn't growing and she had a less than 10% chance of survival.  After that appointment I was put on strict bed rest, and was unable to leave the couch, let alone the house.  Time seemed to stand still through the rest of fall and winter, wishing and hoping and praying that she would survive.

Needless to say, as the leaves are changing again this year, and we get closer and closer to her diagnosis day, I can feel my mind and body remembering what things were like this time last year...we are getting closer and closer to when our lives were changed forever