Today marks 9 months exactly since Elisa was stillborn. I will admit, I am am still not in a place of forgiveness yet. No one specifically caused this, it wasn't anyone's fault. But I find myself angry and feeling betrayed, by God. God is the one I am not able to forgive yet. I don't understand why all of this has happened.
My faith has always been an important part of my life. And an important part of Mark and my relationship, we met in church choir of all places....
But this whole experience. Really everything over the last few years, Mark's dad getting cancer and passing away in 2012, our miscarriage, our struggle to get pregnant again, Elisa's diagnosis and death, and then Mark's brother passing away this July....it all just seems like too much,
And perhaps that is part of being human. I may never know why this all happened. There may never be a reason that I understand. And even if I did find a reason, I don't think it could ever be worth the lives of my children. Because even if I change the world through my experience (which I am not expecting to do) I would still give it all up to have my children back.
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