When we lost Luca, our hearts broke. Our innocence in what pregnancy would be like was shattered, and our hope was gone. We had seen only weeks earlier the beautiful flicker of her heartbeat on the ultrasound and we heard the pounding of her strong little heartbeat. Then just a few short weeks later it was gone, she was gone. It didn't seem possible that my heart could keep beating after my child's had stopped, but it did.
We grieved, we grieved a lot, and we still do, but we got the strength to try again. Except it didn't happen, month after month it didn't happen. And we began to grieve the old thought that getting pregnant came easily.
Then, finally we found out we were pregnant again. Elisa, she was our pregnancy after loss, our rainbow baby, the beautiful happy sign of hope after the dark times of miscarriage.
Except our rainbow was taken from us. My worst fears during a worrisome pregnancy after loss, came true. Our baby wouldn't be OK, she wouldn't make it, she wouldn't be the reassurance that most pregnancies go fine. I didn't think my heart could break anymore after losing Luca, but I realized it could break again when once again I was told my baby no longer had a heartbeat.
I know I will never "get over it" This grief, these losses are part of who I am now. But I can take my grief, and turn it in to something.
"The truth is, that hole in your heart shaped exactly the size and shape of your child will never, ever go away. But the love that oozes from it has more power to change the world than anything I've ever known. ~Angela Miller
"The truth is, that hole in your heart shaped exactly the size and shape of your child will never, ever go away. But the love that oozes from it has more power to change the world than anything I've ever known. ~Angela Miller
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