Last January

Yesterday I went in to get a flu shot.  It was on my list of things to do while I was off work for the holidays, and I procrastinated until the last day.

I went back to the pharmacy and put in the order, and they gave me a form to fill out.  Typical: name, date, birthday etc.  Then the question I always hate, "are you pregnant?"....why no, thank you for rubbing it in.... But then they added a follow up question "are you planning on getting pregnant in the next month?"  I circled it, because yes, we are trying, but gee if only you could plan to get pregnant and actually get pregnant, wouldn't that be nice....sigh.

I waited and they called me back in to the little room where they give the shots and the pharmacist came in.  He looked like he was about my age and started some small talk as he looked over the form.

Then he got to the question: "so you are trying, but you aren't pregnant?" "yes", "Ok well it is good to get the shot before you are pregnant, so that is good" ...pause...  "Will this be your first?".... and my mind starts rushing, do I lie to save him, or do I tell him the truth....I took a deep breath and said "It's a long story, but our daughter was stillborn in January".

He actually didn't seem panicked about my response which so many people do, but he did seem to feel bad for asking.  Then he responded "my wife is pregnant and due in March and we worry every day about something going wrong"

As much as it was hard for me to hear about his pregnant wife (It just hurts to hear about anyone who is pregnant or has a baby because it is what we want so much) but it was nice that he actually admitted his fears to me.  Most strangers I tell about our loss panic and change the subject, as if not thinking about it means it didn't happen, or won't happen to them, but he fully admitted that it can happen to anyone and it is scary. Although I don't know this man, and may never see him again, I appreciate his honestly.  That kind of genuine response, genuine feeling, is one of the things that I have found is the most helpful to me. Just having others acknowledge that it is scary, and sad, and incredibly hard is helpful beyond measure.

Another totally different realization came to me through this experience as well.  As I left after getting my shot I realized it is January 2016.  I can't just say "my daughter was stillborn in January" anymore, I have to say she was stillborn last January.  I know we are coming up on her "birthday" and I am fully aware that it will be one year since we've lost her.  But I have finally become comfortable with my response "my daughter was stillborn in January" I can say it without much hesitation, or panic.  But now I have to change what I say because we are no longer in the same year in which she died. It is now "my daughter died a year ago".

I know I will have to keep changing my response, because life changes.  As much as it will be hard to hear the question, I do hope to hear "is this your first" if I am ever lucky enough to be pregnant again, because it will mean I am lucky enough to be pregnant again.  And I will again have to re-asses my response if we are lucky enough to eventually have a kindergartner to decide how many brothers or sisters they tell the class they have.  But keep finding on this journey through loss, that just when I think I am getting comfortable, or have things somewhat figured out, that I actually don't. There isn't a handbook for "getting through" loss.  There are coping mechanisms, and healthy ways to grieve, but they are different for each person, and different on different days. And really, we just have to take it a day at a time.