Almost every day this week I couldn't pull myself out of bed. Tuesday because it was the day we had to drop her casket (or as we have been calling it, her "bed") off at the funeral home, and Wednesday because it was her funeral. I just kept getting a pit in my stomach, and a little voice in the back of my head kept saying "maybe if I don't go, it won't happen...maybe if I don't go, none of this actually happened" But eventually I did get out of bed, and although the days were hard, preparing her "bed", going to her funeral and to her burial, they really did help in my healing.
Tuesday I completed her "bed". My uncle made the actual casket, it was beautiful and it was so wonderful to know so much love went in to making it. The first half of the day I felt like I didn't have anything personal to give my baby girl. We had a lot of things planned to go in her casket but nothing hand made/personal. I had planned on making her a hat, but ran out of time while she was still alive, and honestly I did not have the strength to do it in the last week.
So, Tuesday morning laying in bed I finally decided what I wanted to do for her. I decorated the inside lid of her "bed". It included a picture of Mark and I holding her at the hospital, her name and birth date and a painted whale and message of love for our "Baby Beluga".
Once that was done, I felt a lot better, like I had made something special for my daughter. It gave me the energy to put the rest of the things together to go in her bed, and get it ready to go to the funeral home.
In her bed we included: A little mattress and pillow that my aunt made, including the whale baby beluga theme. We also included rosary from my mom, one of Mark's father's handkerchiefs, an itty bitty teddy bear, and small pink whale stuffed animal. We also provided the funeral home a dress and hat to dress her in and a blanket to wrap her in. No socks, since I am notorious for NEVER wearing socks :). Her dress and blanket are duplicates of what she wore at the hospital, but I kept the ones she wore then.
In this way I am grateful for the fact that we had some time to prepare for the fact that she might be leaving us early. Having her diagnosis in November, we kept hope and faith that she could hang on, but it also gave us time to prepare for the worst.
I decided to get two of everything we bought for her for the hospital (blanket, dress, hat etc.) just in case , so I could have an identical set with me (and if she made it, it wasn't like it would be a bad thing to have two of the same blankets!). Being a planner, it helped to have something to prepare before her birth, but I didn't realize how truly helpful this would be until I started to put her "bed" together. And, now, after she has been laid to rest, I cherish that everything she has with her, I also have here with me.
I would highly encourage any other parents in this position to do the same. As hard as it was to think about I am so glad I have a blanket to cuddle with that is exactly the same as the one keeping my baby girl warm right now.
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