Saturday, 19 September 2015
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
What's in a name?
Some people seem surprised when we tell them that we named the two children we lost. It is easier for people to understand with Elisa, because she was 28 weeks, she looked like a baby and could have survived at 28 weeks, had she not had IUGR. But especially with Luca, the baby that we miscarried I can tell people are, at times, surprised.
Miscarriage/pregnancy loss/infancy loss is a very difficult, very personal thing, so there are many reasons why some people may choose to name their baby(ies) or choose to not name their baby(ies). If any one is reading this who chose not to name their baby(ies) know you made the right choice for you, and you should't be swayed by how another loss mom is handling this.
If by reading this though, you changed your mind and wished you had named your baby(ies) then there is no reason why you can't do it now. There is nothing wrong with deciding to give you baby a name months, years. decades after they have gone. Do what ever you feel is right for you and your baby.
Now for us, naming Luca, and Elisa was very important, and I want to share why, and I want to share the meaning behind their names.
Most parents, when they talk about their living children, get the opportunity to explain why they named their child, at least right after birth, if not many times later on in life. But Mark and I don't get that opportunity very often, so we are doing it here.
~Luca Adriana~
When we found out we were pregnant in June of 2013, we started dreaming of what that baby would be. We didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, so we just referred to the baby as "little bean".
We didn't get the chance to know if this baby was a he or she, but both Mark and I had a strong feeling she was a she. Although we as parents didn't get a chance to parent her as we wished we could have, we wanted to at least give her a name.We started looking online for names that could go either way, and as we did we found Luca.
Luca,
Means light. We thought about how much light and joy she brought to us in the short 11 weeks where we knew of her existence.
Luca,
Or as the town is spelled Lucca, is the town in Italy where my grandfather's family was originally from. It was one of our favorite places when we went to Italy, calm and peaceful, and beautiful.
We thought this name was perfect. It had meaning, and also in a silly way, made us feel like we would be right either way if she was a boy or a girl.
We chose Adriana as her middle name, because it could easily be Adrienne, which could be a boys name, and because Adriana means darkness.
Luca Adriana, our light in our darkness. So much sadness in losing her, and knowing she would't grow with us here on this earth, but light in the hope and joy she brought in her short little 11 weeks of life.
In the years since we lost Luca, I have been more and more grateful that we named her. Yes, I myself even feel uncomfortable saying her name sometimes. She was only here for a short 11 weeks, and losing her has caused so much pain, that my mind, and my body often try to trick me in to thinking she didn't exist. But by naming her, I am reminded, she did exist, and she is my daughter.
Also from a piratical standpoint, it is so much easier for me/us to talk about our loss, to family, to friends, to doctors even, to refer to her as a person rather than "a loss". Especially since we never fathomed we would have another loss, we never thought we would have to distinguish between two. It is so much easier to say "before we lost Luca", or "while I was pregnant with Luca", rather than "before our first loss" or "while I was pregnant with the first baby that we lost"
~Elisa Josephine~
Elisa was a name Mark and I fell in love with just a few years after we got married. It quickly became top of the list for our first daughter's name. Since we didn't know for certain if Luca was a boy or a girl, we chose her a name that could go either way, so if we were wrong, we would still be kind of right :)
We first discovered the name Elisa when we were in Italy in May of 2012. It was our last trip we were taking before we were going to start a family...if only we knew then what we knew now we wouldn't have been so worried about "what if it happens quickly"...
We were in the town of Lucca. We were sitting at a park in the middle of the old Italian town, and on the street sign we saw Via Elisa (Elisa street). We saw the name and Mark and I both said "I love that name!! We loved the sound of it, and thought it was a perfect mix of Elsa (Mark's mom name) and Alice (my mom's middle name)
We took this picture, and happily joked that it would one day hang in our future daughters room.
After Elisa was diagnosed, we flip flopped back and forth on if we would name her the name we picked for our first born daughter. We went a different route with Luca's name because we didn't know if she was really a boy or a girl, and I wanted something that could go either way. But, with Elisa, we knew she was a she. After a lot of contemplation we realized even if she didn't live, we would always think of her as Elisa, the name just stuck.
We chose her middle name as Josephine because it is a family name. It is my middle name (but my middle name is Josephine in Italian) named after my grandfather's mother.
So she became Elisa Josephine, our little Ellie Jo.
We miss them both dearly, but we are glad we have names for them both. Names to remind us every day the happiness they brought us when they were with us, names to honor them now that they are gone.
Luca Adriana and Elisa Josephine, just words, but words that mean the world to me
Miscarriage/pregnancy loss/infancy loss is a very difficult, very personal thing, so there are many reasons why some people may choose to name their baby(ies) or choose to not name their baby(ies). If any one is reading this who chose not to name their baby(ies) know you made the right choice for you, and you should't be swayed by how another loss mom is handling this.
If by reading this though, you changed your mind and wished you had named your baby(ies) then there is no reason why you can't do it now. There is nothing wrong with deciding to give you baby a name months, years. decades after they have gone. Do what ever you feel is right for you and your baby.
Now for us, naming Luca, and Elisa was very important, and I want to share why, and I want to share the meaning behind their names.
Most parents, when they talk about their living children, get the opportunity to explain why they named their child, at least right after birth, if not many times later on in life. But Mark and I don't get that opportunity very often, so we are doing it here.
~Luca Adriana~
When we found out we were pregnant in June of 2013, we started dreaming of what that baby would be. We didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, so we just referred to the baby as "little bean".
We didn't get the chance to know if this baby was a he or she, but both Mark and I had a strong feeling she was a she. Although we as parents didn't get a chance to parent her as we wished we could have, we wanted to at least give her a name.We started looking online for names that could go either way, and as we did we found Luca.
Luca,
Means light. We thought about how much light and joy she brought to us in the short 11 weeks where we knew of her existence.
Luca,
Or as the town is spelled Lucca, is the town in Italy where my grandfather's family was originally from. It was one of our favorite places when we went to Italy, calm and peaceful, and beautiful.
We thought this name was perfect. It had meaning, and also in a silly way, made us feel like we would be right either way if she was a boy or a girl.
We chose Adriana as her middle name, because it could easily be Adrienne, which could be a boys name, and because Adriana means darkness.
Luca Adriana, our light in our darkness. So much sadness in losing her, and knowing she would't grow with us here on this earth, but light in the hope and joy she brought in her short little 11 weeks of life.
In the years since we lost Luca, I have been more and more grateful that we named her. Yes, I myself even feel uncomfortable saying her name sometimes. She was only here for a short 11 weeks, and losing her has caused so much pain, that my mind, and my body often try to trick me in to thinking she didn't exist. But by naming her, I am reminded, she did exist, and she is my daughter.
Also from a piratical standpoint, it is so much easier for me/us to talk about our loss, to family, to friends, to doctors even, to refer to her as a person rather than "a loss". Especially since we never fathomed we would have another loss, we never thought we would have to distinguish between two. It is so much easier to say "before we lost Luca", or "while I was pregnant with Luca", rather than "before our first loss" or "while I was pregnant with the first baby that we lost"
~Elisa Josephine~
Elisa was a name Mark and I fell in love with just a few years after we got married. It quickly became top of the list for our first daughter's name. Since we didn't know for certain if Luca was a boy or a girl, we chose her a name that could go either way, so if we were wrong, we would still be kind of right :)
We first discovered the name Elisa when we were in Italy in May of 2012. It was our last trip we were taking before we were going to start a family...if only we knew then what we knew now we wouldn't have been so worried about "what if it happens quickly"...
We were in the town of Lucca. We were sitting at a park in the middle of the old Italian town, and on the street sign we saw Via Elisa (Elisa street). We saw the name and Mark and I both said "I love that name!! We loved the sound of it, and thought it was a perfect mix of Elsa (Mark's mom name) and Alice (my mom's middle name)
We took this picture, and happily joked that it would one day hang in our future daughters room.
We chose her middle name as Josephine because it is a family name. It is my middle name (but my middle name is Josephine in Italian) named after my grandfather's mother.
So she became Elisa Josephine, our little Ellie Jo.
We miss them both dearly, but we are glad we have names for them both. Names to remind us every day the happiness they brought us when they were with us, names to honor them now that they are gone.
Luca Adriana and Elisa Josephine, just words, but words that mean the world to me
Monday, 10 August 2015
Happy Birthday Luca
Happy Birthday Luca
Two years ago was one of the hardest days of my life.
We had learned just days earlier that your precious heart was no longer beating. We knew your life was already gone from my body, but my body had not acknowledged it yet.
It slowly realized the horrible truth, as the low achy pains in my back began. As evening went on the pain worsened. The pain of your birth was more than I had ever felt, the only thing that has been more painful physically was birthing your younger sister in January.
But that's what a lot of people don't realize about miscarriage. I did labor, you were born.
That dark August night will be one I will remember for the rest of my life. Labor pains started at in the early evening, as a hot summer lightning storm flashed the night sky. We paced the floor and porch trying to walk through the pain. The lightning striking followed by the pouring rain in the middle of August seemed to parallel how it all shouldn't be this way, that we shouldn't be losing you.
You were born around 4am on August 10th 2013, I am not sure exactly when, because the pain and grief made us feel separated from reality, we had no sense of time. What is so amazing about this timing though, is around this time of the morning that day, your grandma woke up from a dream of her own mother (whose birthday is the 9th of August, although she passed away many years ago) in heaven holding a newborn baby. It must have been you telling your grandma you made it safe, safe to heaven in the loving arms of your great grandma.
We miss you so very much, and it breaks our hearts every day that you aren't here with us. Take care of your little sister and make sure your uncle behaves :)
I love you will all of my heart, so much so that a piece went with you when you left.
Love,
Mommy
Two years ago was one of the hardest days of my life.
We had learned just days earlier that your precious heart was no longer beating. We knew your life was already gone from my body, but my body had not acknowledged it yet.
It slowly realized the horrible truth, as the low achy pains in my back began. As evening went on the pain worsened. The pain of your birth was more than I had ever felt, the only thing that has been more painful physically was birthing your younger sister in January.
But that's what a lot of people don't realize about miscarriage. I did labor, you were born.
That dark August night will be one I will remember for the rest of my life. Labor pains started at in the early evening, as a hot summer lightning storm flashed the night sky. We paced the floor and porch trying to walk through the pain. The lightning striking followed by the pouring rain in the middle of August seemed to parallel how it all shouldn't be this way, that we shouldn't be losing you.
You were born around 4am on August 10th 2013, I am not sure exactly when, because the pain and grief made us feel separated from reality, we had no sense of time. What is so amazing about this timing though, is around this time of the morning that day, your grandma woke up from a dream of her own mother (whose birthday is the 9th of August, although she passed away many years ago) in heaven holding a newborn baby. It must have been you telling your grandma you made it safe, safe to heaven in the loving arms of your great grandma.
We miss you so very much, and it breaks our hearts every day that you aren't here with us. Take care of your little sister and make sure your uncle behaves :)
I love you will all of my heart, so much so that a piece went with you when you left.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
28 weeks
Today marks 28 weeks since Elisa was born sleeping.
We had 28 weeks with her, while she was alive here on earth, 28 precious weeks in utero. 28 of the happiest and scariest weeks of my life. 28 weeks filled with so much joy and love for my daughter, 28 weeks of so much fear and worry that she would not make it.
Tomorrow marks a line I don't want to cross, more days since she has been gone than I had with her.
Every day widens the gap
We had 28 weeks with her, while she was alive here on earth, 28 precious weeks in utero. 28 of the happiest and scariest weeks of my life. 28 weeks filled with so much joy and love for my daughter, 28 weeks of so much fear and worry that she would not make it.
Tomorrow marks a line I don't want to cross, more days since she has been gone than I had with her.
Every day widens the gap
Sunday, 2 August 2015
Beluga at the Coast
Adventures on our yearly trip to the coast.
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| At the Washington Coast |
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| Our Niece specifically asked if we brought Beluga on our trip, because she wanted a picture <3 |
Friday, 31 July 2015
Significant Dates
Today marks the beginning of a long string of "significant dates"
A year ago today I woke up early in the morning, groggy, with my eyes still blurry with sleep and made my way to the bathroom grabbing a first response pregnancy test on my way. I was up earlier than usual because straight from work we were leaving for our family's annual trip to the ocean, so I had to finish up the rest of our packing and load the car.
As I walked to the bathroom I was mentally preparing myself for yet another negative test. After all we had been trying for nearly a year after loosing Luca, without luck, and just one month earlier I had a hysteroscopy to remove polyps. With surgery so recent it was unlikely we would be pregnant.
I walked into the bathroom, got the stick out of the packaging. With so many tests over the last year of trying, and another year prior to that with Luca, I could practically do it in my sleep, which was good because I was tired.
After the test I put the stick on the sink and set the timer. There was no way I was just going to pace in the bathroom waiting....so I went and started to finish up the packing.
A few minutes later, my phone timer went off, and I walked back in to the bathroom, preparing for the disappointment of one lonely line.
But it wasn't to my astonishment two TWO lines. I ran in to the bedroom with the test, and jostled Mark from his peaceful sleep. IT'S POSITIVE!!! I said, and I could see it in his eyes, as he came to...both from the sleepy haze, and from the haze of doubt, after so much heartache and loss, we were actually pregnant. I crawled back in to bed, and we both just started crying. We couldn't believe it....
We started talking and were in awe of the timing. Just a little over a month ago I was distraught about finding the polyps, scared for surgery, and wondering if we would ever have a baby.
There were so many things that just seemed to make this day point to the fact that things would be turning around:
This day one year ago was Mark's last day at his old company and he was about to start his new job at the same company as me, so we would be able to commute together!
July 31st 2014 meant a due date of early April, our baby would be born just days after Easter, and our 10 year dating anniversary
July 31st, the Feast of St. Ignatius, the patron saint of the chapel where we met, and where we were married
It just seemed like everything was lining up, and that finally we would get our rainbow baby.
Little did we know that just a week later I would start bleeding, and be put on bedrest and we would go through a very difficult pregnancy. We would be told at 20 weeks that our beautiful baby girl would have a less than 10% chance of survival. We would be advised to terminate, and we would oppose, knowing we wanted every second of time with our baby girl, even if that was limited to time in utero. That our little fighter, Elisa, our little baby beluga, would be with us for nearly 7 months, but we wouldn't get to take her home.
Today is just the beginning of these significant dates. I know exactly how far along I was at this point in time during both of my pregnancies. We have positive test dates, first ultrasound dates, diagnosis day and birthdays. A week from Monday will be Luca's "second birthday"
So today I sit typing from the same town we visit each year. Knowing when we were here last year I was pregnant with Elisa, and when we were here the year before I was pregnant with Luca but neither of them are phsyically here with us, and I am still here missing them every day
A year ago today I woke up early in the morning, groggy, with my eyes still blurry with sleep and made my way to the bathroom grabbing a first response pregnancy test on my way. I was up earlier than usual because straight from work we were leaving for our family's annual trip to the ocean, so I had to finish up the rest of our packing and load the car.
As I walked to the bathroom I was mentally preparing myself for yet another negative test. After all we had been trying for nearly a year after loosing Luca, without luck, and just one month earlier I had a hysteroscopy to remove polyps. With surgery so recent it was unlikely we would be pregnant.
I walked into the bathroom, got the stick out of the packaging. With so many tests over the last year of trying, and another year prior to that with Luca, I could practically do it in my sleep, which was good because I was tired.
After the test I put the stick on the sink and set the timer. There was no way I was just going to pace in the bathroom waiting....so I went and started to finish up the packing.
A few minutes later, my phone timer went off, and I walked back in to the bathroom, preparing for the disappointment of one lonely line.
But it wasn't to my astonishment two TWO lines. I ran in to the bedroom with the test, and jostled Mark from his peaceful sleep. IT'S POSITIVE!!! I said, and I could see it in his eyes, as he came to...both from the sleepy haze, and from the haze of doubt, after so much heartache and loss, we were actually pregnant. I crawled back in to bed, and we both just started crying. We couldn't believe it....
We started talking and were in awe of the timing. Just a little over a month ago I was distraught about finding the polyps, scared for surgery, and wondering if we would ever have a baby.
There were so many things that just seemed to make this day point to the fact that things would be turning around:
This day one year ago was Mark's last day at his old company and he was about to start his new job at the same company as me, so we would be able to commute together!
July 31st 2014 meant a due date of early April, our baby would be born just days after Easter, and our 10 year dating anniversary
July 31st, the Feast of St. Ignatius, the patron saint of the chapel where we met, and where we were married
It just seemed like everything was lining up, and that finally we would get our rainbow baby.
Little did we know that just a week later I would start bleeding, and be put on bedrest and we would go through a very difficult pregnancy. We would be told at 20 weeks that our beautiful baby girl would have a less than 10% chance of survival. We would be advised to terminate, and we would oppose, knowing we wanted every second of time with our baby girl, even if that was limited to time in utero. That our little fighter, Elisa, our little baby beluga, would be with us for nearly 7 months, but we wouldn't get to take her home.
Today is just the beginning of these significant dates. I know exactly how far along I was at this point in time during both of my pregnancies. We have positive test dates, first ultrasound dates, diagnosis day and birthdays. A week from Monday will be Luca's "second birthday"
So today I sit typing from the same town we visit each year. Knowing when we were here last year I was pregnant with Elisa, and when we were here the year before I was pregnant with Luca but neither of them are phsyically here with us, and I am still here missing them every day
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Through the Ringer
Wow, these last few weeks have really put us through the ringer.
We got back home being with Mark's family late last Tuesday. The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's. It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.
We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother Serge, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos. Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mark loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.
To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.
I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.
First off, Serge's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday. Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever. I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much. I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.
Second, we've started trying again, and a test yesterday confrimed we are not pregnant.. Although we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date. I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen? will we ever have a take home baby?"
We got back home being with Mark's family late last Tuesday. The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's. It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.
We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother Serge, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos. Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mark loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.
To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.
I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.
First off, Serge's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday. Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever. I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much. I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.
Second, we've started trying again, and a test yesterday confrimed we are not pregnant.. Although we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date. I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen? will we ever have a take home baby?"
It just seems like all of this is so much. I now I only have one choice, and that is to "keep on keeping on" because the only other alternative is to give up, refuse to get out of bed (although some days that sounds really, really appealing) and abandon the journey to parenthood. And as much as I am beat up, worn down and terrified of another loss, I know I have to keep going. One day at a time.
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