TEARS Walk

Today we did the TEARS Foundation Walk for pregnancy and infant loss awareness.

Angles Plot

Today we visited Glasnevin Cemetery in Ireland.

This was one of the first Catholic Cemeteries to allow miscarried, stillborn and infant babies (non baptized)  to be buried on consecrated ground. There are over 50,000 babies buried in what is called "Angles Plot". Going here felt like a little pilgrimage on behalf of both of Luca and Elisa.

The plot is full of unmarked graves, but along side are the names and birth and death dates of each child burried there, and some with memorial messages from family members. 

Information from the Cemetery's website 

Up to 20 years ago, Mothers who delivered their stillborn babies in the Dublin Maternity Hospitals or Dublin Nursing Homes never saw their baby at birth. It was considered to be ‘better’ for them not to. Dads were totally excluded from the experience of childbirth anyway. The Hospital involved would see that the baby was buried in the Old Angels Plot in Glasnevin and for many parents the ‘bill’ for this is the only recognition they had for their baby

Because of babies being taken away after birth and buried without the parent present, some went unknown until years later.  We even saw some memorial stones with messages such as "we are so glad we found you, love your brother and sister"

I cannot imagine going through the loss and grief of losing a child and not being allowed to see them. The 8 hours we had with Elisa in the hospital after her birth, although the hardest moments of my life, were also my most treasured.  

Seeing the place where so many other mothers and fathers who have experience the loss of a child like Mark and I have visited made me feel as if I had an invisible bond with thousands of people I have never met. 

One of the most moving moments of this was the inscription on the memorial

angels surrounding the memorial

Baby Beluga in Ireland

After Elisa was stillborn in January, we felt we needed a trip to just get away. We spent two weeks in Ireland, traveling throughout the country, here are some of our pictures

Our hotel, the Eliza lodge, close, but just off by a bit in spelling. And the hostes' name was Adrianna, Luca's middle name :)



We went to St. Patrick's Cathedral

We stopped at the Guinness brewery, and went on a tour

Lifted Up With Love

Yesterday marked three months since Elisa was born and went to heaven. It was a hard day and it felt like the hits kept coming with Easter, followed by her due date, followed by her three month birthday

Despite being sad, one of the things I have been very passionate about with losing Elisa was that she would be treated like any other child/baby and she wouldn't be forgotten.  It is strength in sharing, that I didn't have when we lost Luca, but by losing Elisa she has given me the voice to talk about both of my baby girls, something I am so proud of.

It's not that I want a bunch of attention, or people to throw me a pity party, it's that I want to talk about, and share about my babies, just like any other mom. But I cant post a picture of her first smile, or the first time she rolls over, so I talk about her anniversaries in heaven, and things that remind me of her.

So yesterday I posted on facebook:  "It's been three months since we said hello and goodbye to our Elisa. It seems like we just held her yesterday and yet that day seems so distant in the past all at once. Love you baby girl"

And the outpouring of love and support was more than I could have dreamed of.

First a friend from college posted this picture!

People remembering that she is our baby beluga...

Then a few more friends piped in with messages saying they were thinking about us and praying for us.  What I love is that no one said anything along the lines of "it will get better" or "the hard days are over" like I have heard so many loss mammas experience when they post about their babies in heaven.  Because those types of messages don't help, and I know from losing Luca that I still have many hard days ahead of me, and most of the time I won't know when they will hit.  I am just so humbled and grateful that I have a network of people who are being so compassionate and holding me up during this hard time.  

I know the thing about social media, is that I can't control what responses I will get back from people, and I was aware of that when I posted yesterday. But I am so grateful that my friends just let me be a mom, a mom who wanted to post about her baby, and supported me and lifted me up and let me talk about her, without any "blockers" saying how things will get easier.

The last message on my post last night was this beautiful picture, sent from another very good friend. She left the message "I'm piggy-backing on [the first post] because why not fill your heart in this special way?? I love you!" and finished her message with "It's like she's saying, "hi momma!" from heaven."

And boy was my heart filled.  Filled with love, and humbled by the support of dear friends and distant ones a like, remembering our Elisa, our Baby Beluga.

Hi Baby Beluga, mamma loves you too!!

In an Alternate Universe

Today when I got home from work, I checked the mail as I usually do.  There was some junk mail, and adds, and of course medical bills.  I opened the first and it was a medical bill for some of the lab work I had done at my follow up appointment.  The second I opened was from the hospital, so I assumed it was going to be the big whammy...the cost of Elisa's delivery.  I prepared myself for the amount before opening (we had already seen from insurance how much we would owe) and for the emotional impact it would have on me to flash back to that day of her birth.  But despite trying to mentally prepare myself, I was blindsided by what I found when I opened it.  Not a medical bill but a note from the hospital

"Our records indicate that you are scheduled to be admitted to the hospital on or around 4/11/2015"

Elisa's due date...

We had to submit a form to the hospital before we reached 20 weeks, estimating her due date, giving the hospital a "heads up" for when we might be there, standard protocol for all births at that hospital.  After losing Luca, I was apprehensive to plan anything ahead with Elisa, so I waited until the last minute, which is not something I typically do.  I submitted it around 18 weeks, after the doctors appointment where they confirmed the subchorionic hemorrhage was gone. Less than a week later we she was diagnosed with IUGR and given a less than 10% chance of survival.

I am not upset at being reminded of her due date, I know it is coming up, and I know it is a date that I will never forget, just like I will never forget Luca's due date nor both of my girls' birthdays.  What upset me was the image about of what could have been that this note signified.

Thinking about how, in an alternate universe, I could have been opening that envelope standing with my belly bumping into the counter top, with so much hope of meeting and holding my baby girl.  But today I opened it weary from another day at work where things have gone back to "normal" but my world is upside down.

4 Weeks

4 weeks...4 weeks ago my baby girl was born silently in to this world.  It feels as if months have past, while simultaneously it feels like I just held her yesterday.

I miss her so very much. I miss her smell, I miss her tiny perfect little fingers and perfect little toes.  I miss feeling her little hand wrapped around my finger, even though she never grasped back on to mine. I miss her precious little nose that looked so much like her daddy's.

I miss how we were supposed to be together right now.  I miss her kicks, her twists and turns reminding me that she was still there, that she was still fighting.

I miss what she would have become, I miss that I don't get to spend weeks with her on maternity leave. I miss that we will never go out grandmother, mom and baby with my mom. I miss that I will never see her become a daddy's girl, because I know he would have been wrapped around her little finger.

I even miss the nights we would have not slept due to bad sleeping patterns, or sickness. I miss when she would have had tantrums, or the terrible twos or ferocious fours.

I miss her and all she was and all she would have become. I miss my baby girl.

Signs of Baby Beluga

I have become more appreciative every day that we gave Elisa a nickname, and had something to call her throughout the pregnancy, even before we knew she was a she.  I feel like I see our little Baby Beluga everywhere and although it makes me sad she isn't here, I am so glad I have little reminders of her in unlikely places.

Like today, I went to Target to get some thank you notes for all of the wonderful things people have sent us.  And look what was in the stationary section....right at eye level

Of course I picked up a package to use for thank you notes, but then an extra package to keep just to have around the house.