In an Alternate Universe

Today when I got home from work, I checked the mail as I usually do.  There was some junk mail, and adds, and of course medical bills.  I opened the first and it was a medical bill for some of the lab work I had done at my follow up appointment.  The second I opened was from the hospital, so I assumed it was going to be the big whammy...the cost of Elisa's delivery.  I prepared myself for the amount before opening (we had already seen from insurance how much we would owe) and for the emotional impact it would have on me to flash back to that day of her birth.  But despite trying to mentally prepare myself, I was blindsided by what I found when I opened it.  Not a medical bill but a note from the hospital

"Our records indicate that you are scheduled to be admitted to the hospital on or around 4/11/2015"

Elisa's due date...

We had to submit a form to the hospital before we reached 20 weeks, estimating her due date, giving the hospital a "heads up" for when we might be there, standard protocol for all births at that hospital.  After losing Luca, I was apprehensive to plan anything ahead with Elisa, so I waited until the last minute, which is not something I typically do.  I submitted it around 18 weeks, after the doctors appointment where they confirmed the subchorionic hemorrhage was gone. Less than a week later we she was diagnosed with IUGR and given a less than 10% chance of survival.

I am not upset at being reminded of her due date, I know it is coming up, and I know it is a date that I will never forget, just like I will never forget Luca's due date nor both of my girls' birthdays.  What upset me was the image about of what could have been that this note signified.

Thinking about how, in an alternate universe, I could have been opening that envelope standing with my belly bumping into the counter top, with so much hope of meeting and holding my baby girl.  But today I opened it weary from another day at work where things have gone back to "normal" but my world is upside down.