Lifted Up With Love

Yesterday marked three months since Elisa was born and went to heaven. It was a hard day and it felt like the hits kept coming with Easter, followed by her due date, followed by her three month birthday

Despite being sad, one of the things I have been very passionate about with losing Elisa was that she would be treated like any other child/baby and she wouldn't be forgotten.  It is strength in sharing, that I didn't have when we lost Luca, but by losing Elisa she has given me the voice to talk about both of my baby girls, something I am so proud of.

It's not that I want a bunch of attention, or people to throw me a pity party, it's that I want to talk about, and share about my babies, just like any other mom. But I cant post a picture of her first smile, or the first time she rolls over, so I talk about her anniversaries in heaven, and things that remind me of her.

So yesterday I posted on facebook:  "It's been three months since we said hello and goodbye to our Elisa. It seems like we just held her yesterday and yet that day seems so distant in the past all at once. Love you baby girl"

And the outpouring of love and support was more than I could have dreamed of.

First a friend from college posted this picture!

People remembering that she is our baby beluga...

Then a few more friends piped in with messages saying they were thinking about us and praying for us.  What I love is that no one said anything along the lines of "it will get better" or "the hard days are over" like I have heard so many loss mammas experience when they post about their babies in heaven.  Because those types of messages don't help, and I know from losing Luca that I still have many hard days ahead of me, and most of the time I won't know when they will hit.  I am just so humbled and grateful that I have a network of people who are being so compassionate and holding me up during this hard time.  

I know the thing about social media, is that I can't control what responses I will get back from people, and I was aware of that when I posted yesterday. But I am so grateful that my friends just let me be a mom, a mom who wanted to post about her baby, and supported me and lifted me up and let me talk about her, without any "blockers" saying how things will get easier.

The last message on my post last night was this beautiful picture, sent from another very good friend. She left the message "I'm piggy-backing on [the first post] because why not fill your heart in this special way?? I love you!" and finished her message with "It's like she's saying, "hi momma!" from heaven."

And boy was my heart filled.  Filled with love, and humbled by the support of dear friends and distant ones a like, remembering our Elisa, our Baby Beluga.

Hi Baby Beluga, mamma loves you too!!

In an Alternate Universe

Today when I got home from work, I checked the mail as I usually do.  There was some junk mail, and adds, and of course medical bills.  I opened the first and it was a medical bill for some of the lab work I had done at my follow up appointment.  The second I opened was from the hospital, so I assumed it was going to be the big whammy...the cost of Elisa's delivery.  I prepared myself for the amount before opening (we had already seen from insurance how much we would owe) and for the emotional impact it would have on me to flash back to that day of her birth.  But despite trying to mentally prepare myself, I was blindsided by what I found when I opened it.  Not a medical bill but a note from the hospital

"Our records indicate that you are scheduled to be admitted to the hospital on or around 4/11/2015"

Elisa's due date...

We had to submit a form to the hospital before we reached 20 weeks, estimating her due date, giving the hospital a "heads up" for when we might be there, standard protocol for all births at that hospital.  After losing Luca, I was apprehensive to plan anything ahead with Elisa, so I waited until the last minute, which is not something I typically do.  I submitted it around 18 weeks, after the doctors appointment where they confirmed the subchorionic hemorrhage was gone. Less than a week later we she was diagnosed with IUGR and given a less than 10% chance of survival.

I am not upset at being reminded of her due date, I know it is coming up, and I know it is a date that I will never forget, just like I will never forget Luca's due date nor both of my girls' birthdays.  What upset me was the image about of what could have been that this note signified.

Thinking about how, in an alternate universe, I could have been opening that envelope standing with my belly bumping into the counter top, with so much hope of meeting and holding my baby girl.  But today I opened it weary from another day at work where things have gone back to "normal" but my world is upside down.

4 Weeks

4 weeks...4 weeks ago my baby girl was born silently in to this world.  It feels as if months have past, while simultaneously it feels like I just held her yesterday.

I miss her so very much. I miss her smell, I miss her tiny perfect little fingers and perfect little toes.  I miss feeling her little hand wrapped around my finger, even though she never grasped back on to mine. I miss her precious little nose that looked so much like her daddy's.

I miss how we were supposed to be together right now.  I miss her kicks, her twists and turns reminding me that she was still there, that she was still fighting.

I miss what she would have become, I miss that I don't get to spend weeks with her on maternity leave. I miss that we will never go out grandmother, mom and baby with my mom. I miss that I will never see her become a daddy's girl, because I know he would have been wrapped around her little finger.

I even miss the nights we would have not slept due to bad sleeping patterns, or sickness. I miss when she would have had tantrums, or the terrible twos or ferocious fours.

I miss her and all she was and all she would have become. I miss my baby girl.

Signs of Baby Beluga

I have become more appreciative every day that we gave Elisa a nickname, and had something to call her throughout the pregnancy, even before we knew she was a she.  I feel like I see our little Baby Beluga everywhere and although it makes me sad she isn't here, I am so glad I have little reminders of her in unlikely places.

Like today, I went to Target to get some thank you notes for all of the wonderful things people have sent us.  And look what was in the stationary section....right at eye level

Of course I picked up a package to use for thank you notes, but then an extra package to keep just to have around the house.

A Child of Mine

A child of mine. I found this poem in a book I just started reading "Sunshine After the Storm, a Survival Guide For the Grieving Mother". This poem gave me a different perspective on the loss of my babies.  I am overcome with grief because they are gone, but that is only because I loved them so much.

"A CHILD OF MINE"

Author: Edgar Guest

I will lend you, for a little time,

A child of mine, He said.

For you to love the while she lives,

And mourn for when she's dead.

It may be six or seven years,

Or twenty-two or three.

But will you, till I call her back,

Take care of her for Me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you,

And should her stay be brief.

You'll have her lovely memories,

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay,

Since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught down there,

I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over,

In search for teachers true.

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,

I have selected you.

Now will you give her all your love,

Nor think the labour vain.

Nor hate me when I come

To take her home again?

I fancied that I heard them say,

'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'

For all the joys Thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter her with tenderness,

We'll love her while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for her,

Much sooner than we've planned.

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,

And try to understand.

Not a Crib but a Casket

I know they always say having a funeral and burial is helpful in the grieving process, but I didn't realize it would be this helpful.

Almost every day this week I couldn't pull myself out of bed. Tuesday because it was the day we had to drop her casket (or as we have been calling it, her "bed") off at the funeral home, and Wednesday because it was her funeral.  I just kept getting a pit in my stomach, and a little voice in the back of my head kept saying "maybe if I don't go, it won't happen...maybe if I don't go, none of this actually happened"  But eventually I did get out of bed, and although the days were hard, preparing her "bed", going to her funeral and to her burial, they really did help in my healing.

Tuesday I completed her "bed". My uncle made the actual casket, it was beautiful and it was so wonderful to know so much love went in to making it. The first half of the day  I felt like I didn't have anything personal to give my baby girl.  We had a lot of things planned to go in her casket but nothing hand made/personal. I had planned on making her a hat, but ran out of time while she was still alive, and honestly I did not have the strength to do it in the last week.

So, Tuesday morning laying in bed I finally decided what I wanted to do for her.  I decorated the inside lid of her "bed".  It included a picture of Mark and I holding her at the hospital, her name and birth date and a painted whale and message of love for our "Baby Beluga".

Once that was done, I felt a lot better, like I had made something special for my daughter.  It gave me the energy to put the rest of the things together to go in her bed, and get it ready to go to the funeral home.

In her bed we included: A little mattress and pillow that my aunt made, including the whale baby beluga theme. We also included rosary from my mom, one of  Mark's father's handkerchiefs, an itty bitty teddy bear, and small pink whale stuffed animal.  We also provided the funeral home a dress and hat to dress her in and a blanket to wrap her in.  No socks, since I am notorious for NEVER wearing socks :).  Her dress and blanket are duplicates of what she wore at the hospital, but I kept the ones she wore then.

In this way I am grateful for the fact that we had some time to prepare for the fact that she might be leaving us early.  Having her diagnosis in November, we kept hope and faith that she could hang on, but it also gave us time to prepare for the worst.

I decided to get two of everything we bought for her for the hospital (blanket, dress, hat etc.) just in case , so I could have an identical set with me (and if she made it, it wasn't like it would be a bad thing to have two of the same blankets!).  Being a planner, it helped to have something to prepare before her birth, but I didn't realize how truly helpful this would be until I started to put her "bed" together. And, now, after she has been laid to rest, I cherish that everything she has with her, I also have here with me.

I would highly encourage any other parents in this position to do the same.  As hard as it was to think about I am so glad I have a blanket to cuddle with that is exactly the same as the one keeping my baby girl warm right now.

Elisa Josephine

Elisa Josephine Vega was born sleeping this morning, Tuesday, January 20th at 11:05am. She was 9.7 oz and 9 inches long. She had Mark's nose and my lips, she was beautiful.

We spent the whole afternoon and evening holding her and letting her know how much we love her. We just got home from the hospital and are taking in the whole day.