Through the Ringer

Wow, these last few weeks have really put us through the ringer.

We got back home being with Mark's family late last Tuesday. The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's. It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.

We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother Serge, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos. Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mark loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.

To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.

I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.

First off, Serge's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday. Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever. I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much. I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.

Second, we've started trying again, and a test yesterday confrimed we are not pregnant.. Although we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date. I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen? will we ever have a take home baby?"

It just seems like all of this is so much. I now I only have one choice, and that is to "keep on keeping on" because the only other alternative is to give up, refuse to get out of bed (although some days that sounds really, really appealing) and abandon the journey to parenthood. And as much as I am beat up, worn down and terrified of another loss, I know I have to keep going. One day at a time.