Significant Dates

Today marks the beginning of a long string of "significant dates"

A year ago today I woke up early in the morning, groggy, with my eyes still blurry with sleep and made my way to the bathroom grabbing a first response pregnancy test on my way.  I was up earlier than usual because straight from work we were leaving for our family's annual trip to the ocean, so I had to finish up the rest of our packing and load the car.

As I walked to the bathroom I was mentally preparing myself for yet another negative test.  After all we had been trying for nearly a year after loosing Luca, without luck, and just one month earlier I had a hysteroscopy to remove polyps.  With surgery so recent it was unlikely we would be pregnant.

I walked into the bathroom, got the stick out of the packaging. With so many tests over the last year of trying, and another year prior to that with Luca, I could practically do it in my sleep, which was good because I was tired.

After the test I put the stick on the sink and set the timer.  There was no way I was just going to pace in the bathroom waiting....so I went and started to finish up the packing.

A few minutes later, my phone timer went off, and I walked back in to the bathroom, preparing for the disappointment of one lonely line.

But it wasn't to my astonishment two TWO lines.  I ran in to the bedroom with the test, and jostled Mark from his peaceful sleep. IT'S POSITIVE!!! I said, and I could see it in his eyes, as he came to...both from the sleepy haze, and from the haze of doubt, after so much heartache and loss, we were actually pregnant.  I crawled back in to bed, and we both just started crying.  We couldn't believe it....

We started talking and were in awe of the timing.  Just a little over a month ago I was distraught about finding the polyps, scared for surgery, and wondering if we would ever have a baby.

There were so many things that just seemed to make this day point to the fact that things would be turning around:

This day one year ago was Mark's last day at his old company and he was about to start his new job at the same company as me, so we would be able to commute together!

July 31st 2014 meant a due date of early April, our baby would be born just days after Easter, and our 10 year dating anniversary

July 31st, the Feast of St. Ignatius, the patron saint of the chapel where we met, and where we were married

It just seemed like everything was lining up, and that finally we would get our rainbow baby.

Little did we know that just a week later I would start bleeding, and be put on bedrest and we would go through a very difficult pregnancy.  We would be told at 20 weeks that our beautiful baby girl would have a less than 10% chance of survival.  We would be advised to terminate, and we would oppose, knowing we wanted every second of time with our baby girl, even if that was limited to time in utero.  That our little fighter, Elisa, our little baby beluga, would be with us for nearly 7 months, but we wouldn't get to take her home.

Today is just the beginning of these significant dates.  I know exactly how far along I was at this point in time during both of my pregnancies.  We have positive test dates, first ultrasound dates, diagnosis day and birthdays.  A week from Monday will be Luca's "second birthday"

So today I sit typing from the same town we visit each year. Knowing when we were here last year I was pregnant with Elisa, and when we were here the year before I was pregnant with Luca but neither of them are phsyically here with us, and I am still here missing them every day