Capture Your Grief - Day 8: Wishlist

The obvious thing at the top of my wish list is to have my two daughters back.  To never have had to experience the all encompassing grief that came when we lost them. My number one wish...every.single.day. is  to have them here to watch them grow.  But no matter how hard I wish, that will never happen.  This is my reality, my life story and I can't change what has happened.

What I can do is control my reaction to it.

I don't mean "bucking up" and "moving on" , I will never "move on"  but I mean what good I can make out of this horrible situation. In the words of Sheryl Sandberg after her husband died, I can "kick the shit out of option B"

My wish is that through my grief, through my posts on facebook, through this blog and in how I act in everyday life, that I can make an impact, however small, in honor of my babies lives.

My wish is to spread awareness of how common pregnancy loss is. Not to have it seen as commonplace, but to slowly chip away at the social stigma that it is something to not talk about.

My wish is that no woman ever feel completely alone in pregnancy loss, that she will know there are others out there who have been through what she is going through, and that we are there to hold her up when she can no longer stand on her own.

Capture Your Grief Day 7 - Memory

I don't have a picture for today's capture your grief, because the memory I have doesn't have a photo to go along with it. Instead I'll just share an update from our caringbridge page the first day we felt Elisa kick. It was such a scary time, after her diagnosis, but such an amazing feeling to feel her kick and show she was still fighting:


December 16, 2014

23 weeks today. Yesterday we had an appointment with our regular OB, Dr. K, as a check up. We are so grateful that baby still has a strong heat beat, 150 bpm. This was just a Doppler check and touch base with our Dr. so no ultrasound, but it was wonderful to know she is still holding on and fighting.

It was also really helpful to meet with Dr. K again, she knows everything we have been through, with struggling to get pregnant, losing Luca, and then how difficult this pregnancy has been. I am so grateful for her, and I can tell she really cares about us and hates that we are going through all of this. She let us know that even though my care has been officially transferred to the high risk docs, that she still wants to see me every few weeks, just to make sure I am doing OK. And that regardless of the outcome she plans to visit me at the hospital and help however she can.

On another note, last night at about 2am I woke up to what I was certain was baby kicking and moving! The high risk docs had said I might not feel her kick for a while, because she is so small, and  due to the placenta issues, it is so big that it would act as a buffer between us. Before now, I have felt little flutters of her moving, but nothing that I was certain of. Last night I could feel her pushing out, like she was stretching. I couldn't tell if it was her arm, her head, or her butt, but it was definitely her. I could feel it, and see it as it stretched my belly out.  I was so grateful that she was giving me a sign that she was still there and still fighting. I leaned over and woke Mark up so he could feel too. I apologized for waking him up (most of the time when I wake him up, I am kicking him because he is snoring!) but he was just as excited as I was. We both just sat there holding on to my belly and talking to her, telling her to keep fighting and how much we love her.

Capture Your Grief - Day 6: Books

Both of these books have been extremely helpful to me in my grieving process.

"I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith so perfectly articulates the difficult balance between the joy and love of still carrying your child, but the anticipatory grief of knowing they might not make it to live on earth with you.  When Elisa was diagnosed with IURG, we tried to stay hopeful that she would survive, but we also began preparing ourselves for the likely unthinkable outcome that she wouldn't. 

"Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth" was a wonderful resource I found after Elisa was stillborn and I know it will continue to be on this long road through grief.  It is full of hopeful and inspiring quotes, exercises to process through grief and words of comfort from other parents who have gone down this road before.

Capture Your Grief Day 5 - Empathy

Choosing a photo for today was difficult, not because we haven't seen empathy, but because we have seen so much. The amount of love and support we have received on our journey has been humbling; there is no way I could choose just once instance.

From friends who walked the road of miscarriage before me, who supported me and helped me to not feel alone after w...e lost Luca. To those who sent flowers, meals and cards after Elisa passed away. Those who attended or sang at her service, and honored her life with us. Friends who traveled far to see me, just to make sure I was OK. The remembrance jewelry made or given to me in honor of our girls. And of course, the little "glimpses" of belugas that people sent to us, and those who have made me or given me beautiful artwork to remember my girls.

You always seem to send something right when I am having a bad day, you unknowingly pick me up from a dark day while still allowing me my time to grieve. You lift my heart by knowing my girls are being remembered. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

Capture Your Grief Day 4 - Dark + Light

Luca means light. Adriana means darkness. Luca Adriana, our light in our darkness. So much sadness in losing her, and knowing she would't grow with us here, but light in the hope and joy she brought in her short little 11 weeks of life.

Some people seem surprised when we tell them that we named the baby we lost from miscarriage. It is easier to understand with Elisa, because she was 7 months along, people knew I was pregnant, they saw my belly and when she was born, she looked like a baby. But that is part of the secondary grief of miscarriage, many people don't know you are pregnant, so don't know you lose a baby. It is isolating and lonely. It is part of why we speak about our losses now, to share that no matter how long a child is here, 11 weeks, 7 months, or years, losing them is hard. The grief and experience is different for every situation, but the grief is there because the love was there.

Capture Your Grief Day 3 - In Honor

Simple, we are participating in this project in honor of our two babies in heaven: Luca Adriana, August 10th 2013 and Elisa Josephine, January 20th 2015

Capture Your Grief Day 2 - Intention: Love

This picture was taken nearly a year ago (at the same place Mark proposed years earlier) right after we received Elisa's diagnosis and she was given a less than 10% chance of survival. We made a promise to fill her life with love while she was still with us. She fought and stayed with us for 7 months full of love and now that she is gone we continue that love. Love for her, love for her older sister lost before her, and love to all.

Our intention is to fill the world with love. To show our love for our two babies in heaven by honoring their lives and to show love to others on this road of baby loss. To speak about our pain to normalize grief and let others know they are not alone.